Auditory Masturbation
by Blood Everlasting
Summary: Sequel to Always Avoid Alliteration. Bella and Edward are off to college and need to figure some things out. Like, when the hell are they gonna hop on the good foot and do the bad thing? What kind of terrors will Bella's wit unleash on foolish reporters? Will Edward ever stop getting new and embarrassing nicknames? FIND OUT!
1. Shenanigans and Sugar Crashes

**A/N:** Okay, here is the first chapter of the sequel to Always Avoid Alliteration. It gets smuttier from here on out. Again, I write most of this from a very demented and strung out part of my brain with the help of my sleep-depreived husband. ;3 It's still gonna be fun, it's gonna get weirder, and it's gonna get a little sluttier. Naughty story! You dirty, dirty story! *wags finger and grins* So, yeah. Anyway. You've been warned. I'm already done writing the fourth chapter and just so I can keep a steady schedule, I will post Sunday nights/Monday morning depending on if it's after midnight like it almost is now.

Time for some ridiculous fun in the rare sunshine!

_**Chapter One: Shenanigans and Sugar Crashes**_

**BELLA POV**

Things were moving along nicely. I had just graduated high school four days ago, the man of my dreams is in love with me, I was enjoying myself at a pool party the Cullen's were throwing for summer, my best friends were trying to sneak up behind me… wait… "Whattaya think you're doin?" I asked and Emmett froze, eyes wide as I turned to stare at him.

"Would you let it go if we said 'nothing'?" Rose asked hopefully.

I narrowed my eyes and started growling. Emmett backed away, hands up in supplication. "I was gonna pretend to throw you in the pool." He immediately admitted. He was terrified I was going to give him another Wet Willy and so he usually capitulated and admitted his wrongs instantly. It was pretty gratifying to have my Thunder Buddy so scared of me.

"I'm fully clothed still and have my phone in my pocket." I said, discreetly pulling it out of my back pocket and setting it on the table behind me.

"Pffft, relax. We were only going to tease you." Rose snorted, and I grinned when I noticed she was still clothed, too.

"Do you have your phone on you?" I asked suddenly.

"No, it's in my purse- NOOO!" she squealed as I grabbed her and shoved her into the pool along with myself. Unlike her, I didn't actually care about getting my clothes wet. My phone, however, must be protected. IT MUST! But, other than that, I cackled as we surfaced and listened to Rose sputter and rage at me. "You fegging little tramp!"

I nearly dunked myself I was laughing so hard. "You said 'fegging'!"

"Why are the girls in the pool with their clothes on?" I heard Edward ask his brother.

"We were gonna jokingly threaten to toss Bell in the pool and she raged at us about her phone, then tackled Rosie into the water." Emmett explained.

I sat on a submerged ledge in the deep end and started stripping my clothes and shoes off while the boys were distracted. _What_? I had my bikini on beneath it. Heathens.

I smirked when Edward glanced over at me, did a double-take, and proceeded to choke on his soda. Turning my back to him, I perched delicately on the edging of the pool and sighed happily. Things really were good. I was content until a random thought appeared in my head. _What about college?_ "Fudge crackers." I whispered. _You'll get three months with him and that's it, Sugar Tits._ Rose's voice popped into my head and I growled.

"Uh… should I leave you alone?" Emmett asked cautiously.

Heaving a sigh, I gave him an apologetic look. "Naw, sorry, Em. Just some nasty thoughts in my head. I'll be fine."

"You're worrying over nothing, you know." He said, sitting down with me and putting his feet in the water.

I gave him Rose's patented 'Bitch Brow' and waited a moment before asking, "And you know what I'm worrying about?"

"Yep." He said, popping the 'p' at the end. "Just talk to him about it." He nudged my shoulder and I sighed.

"Where'd he go?" I asked when I looked behind me and both Rose and Edward were nowhere to be seen.

"They left us for each other!" He exclaimed dramatically and wrapped a huge arm around my shoulder.

"I guess that means we have to get married and have a dozen kids." I sighed and leaned my head on his shoulder. "Whatevah shall we do?!" I asked in an exaggerated Southern Belle voice.

"Get the hell off my woman!" Edward snapped jokingly and shoved Emmett into the pool. Thankfully, I did not get dragged with the big oaf. Sitting behind me, Edward had his legs on either side of me, dipping into the water, while his arms wrapped around me tightly. "Why were you two talking about marrying each other and having kids?" He sulked.

"Because you and Rose ran off with each other. It was quite scandalous. Emmett and I had to console one another." I stated as carelessly as I could.

He chuckled and kissed my shoulder. "Oh, I see. So…" he paused a moment. "You want to tell me the real reason Emmett was comforting you?"

I tensed, annoyed that he could see through me that easily. Taking a deep breath and releasing it, I turned my head and kissed him hard. Surprised but seemingly willing, he cupped the base of my skull and held our mouths fused together. "I'm worried about starting college and you realizing what a pain in the ass I am and how not worth it I'll be." I blurted when we pulled apart for air.

His eyes widened in his flushed face as he gaped at me. "You're not serious…" he asked aghast.

I glared. "Um, yeah, I am." I snarked and stood, turning to face him… which, of course, put my chest directly into his face. "Quit perving over the twins!" I snapped and his eyes lazily dragged away before meeting mine. "You are a friggin WORLD FAMOUS star and I'm just plain old Bella Swan. Nothing special. I've got nothing but sarcasm and snark to offer, not to mention a healthy dose of clumsiness-"

"God damn it, would you STOP belittling yourself?!" His anger froze me wide-eyed. "You are fucking _gorgeous_! Every straight guy, excluding Emmett, has been ogling you and trying to get your attention since _before_ I came back home. Just ask Emmett and Rose. You're smart, funny, caring, loyal to a fault, and amazingly fierce," he pulled me closer to him, nearly knocking me off balance, "so fucking sexy," he growled and my mouth went dry as he stood, his hands cupping my bottom, "and no one has ever moved me the way you do. I don't _want_ anyone else. I'm so terrified you'll meet someone else you like better. Someone with less hassle and bullshit on their plate than me. Someone smarter. Someone better. Bella-"

I pressed myself tightly against him and we toppled backward into the pool. I wrapped my legs around his waist and didn't even bother trying to swim as he kicked upward and moved us back to the submerged ledge. "Bella, I love you. I was going to surprise you but I think you may kill me if I wait any longer."

"Edward, what-" I frowned, my legs still around him, my hands on his shoulders.

"I'm going to college with you. Emmett helped me enroll." He blurted quickly. My mouth was gaped open and I could only emit squeaks. I finally squealed, bouncing in his lap (causing him to groan) before kissing him again.

"Would you kids mind not soiling the pool?" Rose snarked obnoxiously.

I pulled away from Edward's parted lips, his eyes were still closed, and giggled softly. "Too late." I whispered and wiggled in his lap, moving against his very visceral reaction. His eyes shot wide and he whimpered, his pupils dilated.

"Ffffffuuuuuuuuu- Bella, you can't say things like that when there are witnesses." He growled, his face looking a little desperate.

I chuckled and moved to get off of his lap. "Sorry, love." I said completely unrepentant.

"Where do you think _you're_ going?" He asked, his teeth clenched tight, his arms holding me in place.

"Saving your life." I whispered, glancing over his shoulder. I pushed away from him just in time. "Hi, Daddy!" I called cheerfully from the middle of the deep end.

Edward blushed brightly and discreetly adjusted himself as my dad called back a greeting. "Thank you." he mouthed and I sighed, nodding, before dunking myself and swimming over to Em and Rose.

**EDWARD POV**

When she swam backwards from me and called to her father, I felt like throwing up a little from fear. The man owns _several_ guns and was Chief of police here. _Oh yeah, he could make it look like an accident._ I thought in mild panic. I mouthed my thanks to Bella, who sighed, nodding, and swam off. _Bummer_. I mentally groused as I adjusted myself a second time. Fear or not, I was still aching to touch her.

I couldn't believe how blind she was in regards to how amazing she is. She could do so much better than me. My heart ached at the thought of losing her to some med or law student. I looked over to her in all her beautiful glory as Emmett hoisted her onto his left shoulder while Rose was on his right. _Show off._

Then she did the one thing that immediately reassured me. "I love you." She mouthed and my heart tried to catapult out of my chest. I grinned and mouthed it back. Rose gagged and Bella shoved her off of Emmett into the water, making us all laugh, even Rose as she sputtered.

Guests started to filter in and I felt myself grow more and more agitated at the amount of guys vying for her attention. "Emmett, how many people did you and Rose invite?" I growled at my brother as yet another guy swaggered up to Bella and started up a conversation, hanging onto her every word. "Do I need to put a fuckin ring on her to get these douches to back the fuck off?" I snarled as this dark haired behemoth reached forward and tried to tuck a wet lock of hair behind her ear.

She leaned away from him and gave him the bitch brow. I fucking _loved_ that look. Especially when it wasn't directed at me.

"Cool your jets, bro. Just listen to her." Emmett chuckled and I waited, missing what the guy had asked.

Immediately suspicious of the bright, happy look, nod, and blush she sported, I was surprised when she looked over and gestured to me, blowing me a kiss. I grinned at the crestfallen look the guy had as he tried to continue the conversation where he had left off.

I tried not to laugh as I was swarmed by a small group of girls, looking over at Bella's scowl. Yeah. We both knew how the other felt.

"So, how come we've never met before?" The blonde asked trying to squeeze her breasts together to get me interested. "I'm Lauren, by the way."

I coughed to cover up my laugh when I noticed Bella and Rose simultaneously mouth: "SLUT!" It could have been 'sluts,' plural. Hard to tell when one wasn't speaking aloud.

"Well, probably because I lived with mine and Emmett's uncle and cousin in LA for the last few years." I began.

"Oh, that must have been so exciting! LA! Why did you live with them instead of here?" the girl who had initially introduced herself as Jessica asked.

"Yeah, LA was pretty cool. Excuse me." I said and waded away from the vapid girls clinging to my every word as that giant guy was _still_ doing to Bella. "Bells!" I called and she looked over to me happily. I gestured her over and she excused herself from the small gathering around her.

I backed up and held my arms out to her. She jumped at me, knocking us both under, and we were both laughing as we surfaced. "My hero." She whispered and nuzzled my neck. Finally relaxed, I held onto her tightly and kissed her quick and hard in front of everyone.

"Think that'll make them back off?" I whispered into her ear.

She shivered and nipped at my chin playfully. "For a while, at least. And if I cling to you, the guys, at the very least, will back off. The skank brigade, however…" We both cringed as Jessica and Lauren came over to us, shooting my Bella death glares. "Yeah, they're _real_ subtle." She snorted and I threw my head back and laughed.

"I don't care." I shrugged and kissed her softly, lingering. "I love you."

"I love you, too. Even though you're crazy." She replied and I laughed again, both of us ignoring the collective gasps.

"So," the blonde broad with the nasally voice said, "how did you two meet?"

We both looked at her like she was an idiot. "Through Emmett and Rose." Bella said slowly, raising a brow.

I grinned. "I owe them for introducing me to the love of my life." I said bravely. Bella sent me a soft look and hugged me tightly.

"Well, that's so sweet." Jessica gushed, her left eye twitching, her hand resting on my bicep.

"Whoooooooores!" Bella growl/whispered in my ear. _It is getting really hard not to laugh, damn it!_ I bit my bottom lip and grinned down at my girl. "No touchy." Bella said and removed Jessica's hand from me.

"Sorry." She replied but sounded anything but.

Charlie called me over to help him man the grill and proceeded to grill _me_ about my intentions with Bella. I was completely and utterly honest.

"I love her, even when she verbally unmans me." Charlie threw his head back and laughed. I grinned, continuing. "I've had my fill of fake people and relationships thanks to my past career. All I want is to be with her, make her happy, and I pray that it one day leads to her being my wife. I want her to have everything she's ever wanted and to see her smile every day. I want her happiness above my own, even if it means stepping aside so she can pursue her own career or even," I swallowed and rubbed my chest over my heart, "somebody _else_ romantically."

"I swear to god, if you knock her up out of wedlock, I will make it look like an accident." He threatened with the grill tongs in my face.

I blanched but nodded vigorously. "Don't worry, sir. I would never disrespect her like that. Besides, I don't think she would want children out of wedlock and neither of us are ready to be parents. With all due respect, sir, we've only been dating for a few days and a physical relationship just isn't in the cards right now. We both have more important things than… well, _sex_." We both cringed at the word for different reasons.

"Good answer, son. As long as you keep her happy and protect her to the best of your ability, that includes from idiot paparazzi, then you have my blessing. If you want to marry her and you think you two are ready, talk to me first, we'll talk about the details, but I've always liked you and your brother. Don't mess this up. My little girl is crazy about you." He ruffled my hair and I grinned, chuckling.

"Thanks, Charlie." I said and surprised him with a quick hug.

He chuckled and pushed me away. "Alright. Git'on, boy." He grumbled, his face a little red from embarrassment.

"Holy shit!" Emmett blurted when I was close enough. "That was a true blessing for you two to marry, wasn't it?" My shit-eating grin was answer enough.

"Where's Bella? The ribs are done and I know she wanted some." I said and looked around. Emmett whistled and looked away causing me to narrow my eyes suspiciously. "What did you do?"

Rose and Bella came outside laughing hysterically, each holding two giant Pixi Stix. "I may have given them energy drinks first." Emmett said and my eyes nearly bugged out of my head.

"Charlie is gonna _kill_ you." I breathed. "Mother of God."

"Hi Daddy!" Bella said, scaring the crap out Charlie and I tried my best not to laugh. Then he saw the candy and Bella pointed over in my direction.

I stepped away from Emmett and pointed at him. "Emmett McCarty Cullen, I need to have a word with you, boy!" Charlie called and Emmett squealed like a girl before running away. I may or may not have stuck my foot out, causing the idiot to trip. Charlie sauntered over and put his foot on Emmett's back as most of the guests watched on in amusement. I had a feeling this wasn't the first time this happened.

"It wasn't my fault!" He yelped and held still.

"Did you know that Bella had a whole pot of coffee to herself this morning? And that I had specifically asked your parents not to have any energy drinks in the house?" Charlie asked conversationally, his mustache twitching.

"Um, no?"

"You know, I don't like being lied to, boy." I was biting my cheek to keep from roaring with laughter. "I could live with her having one, even _after_ the coffee. But two _large_ energy drinks _and_ two of those giant tubes of pure sugar? Are you _trying _to kill me? Cause I swear," Charlie chuckled and I was starting to feel a little afraid for my idiot brother, "if I die trying to contain my baby girl, I will haunt you for the rest of your life."

_Why the hell are they acting like she's an unsupervised five-year-old?_ It bothered me a little, the way they were treating this. "And if I have to take her to the hospital, you're as good as dead." He added and helped Emmett to stand.

"Why would she go to the hospital?" I asked, starting to get worried.

"As hilarious as this evening is about to become, you need to know one thing about my daughter. Bella has a type of hypoglycemia that has an interesting effect when she has massive amounts of sugar. She becomes, what we like to call, Sugar-Drunk. It's almost like it converts it to alcohol. Do me a favor and make sure she doesn't have access to the internet. I really do not want to have her sign me up for anger management again or for her to take sky-diving lessons. It gets worse, the longer she has access- Oh hell. Go! Get her phone away from her now! I see her trying to dig through my bag for my credit card!"

I ran over to Bella, laughing my ass off, and threw her over my shoulder. "No, baby. That's a bad idea."

"But Rose and I think signing up for Aerobic Stripping would be so AWESOME!" she giggled as I pocketed her phone. I froze and pulled out her phone, gaping at it. Yep. It was exactly how it sounded.

"You don't need your dad's card, Bella. This one's on me." I chuckled as she cheered upside down. I took her inside the house and had Dad instruct me on how to care for a Sugar-Drunk Bella. This relationship just got even more interesting. I didn't even know that was _possible_.

I happily followed her around while she bounced off the walls and told me things about her life I probably would have never learned if Emmett hadn't gotten her and Rose all hyped up. By six, most of the guests had gone home except for Jessica and Lauren. They offered to "help" me take care of Bella. She actually hissed at them and flipped them the bird. I burst out laughing when they backed up and bid their farewells.

"Rose is going to make her actually go to that Aerobics class, you know that, right?" I nodded cheerfully and high-fived him. Rose giggled and snuggled with Bella on the couch while they whispered to one another. "Also, you're gonna need to cater to Bella tomorrow. She'll have the worst headache. Dad'll give her some good migraine pills since it was my fault. She never would have drunk two energy drinks but I kept swapping them out until she finished both and then gave her and Rosie the candy. Rose is gonna have my ass on a platter tomorrow." He shuddered.

"I'm surprised the Chief didn't take her home with him." I murmured thoughtfully.

"We're keeping the girls tonight. Emmett," Mom said and he shrank down, "you're getting up at the crack of dawn and going to clean the pool. Then you are going to pick up all of the trash. _Then_," she added and he groaned, "you are going to bathe, and come help me prepare breakfast. Rose and Bella will be sharing the spare room and my door will be OPEN all night."

Mom was scary when one of her babies was hurting. And according to EVERYONE, Bella was her newest baby and she was apparently going to be suffering big time tomorrow. I glared at Emmett and looked worriedly over at Bella who was starting to doze, her head on Rose's chest while Rose stroked her hair.

"But what if Bella needs something in the middle of the night? Will Rose be okay enough through a sugar crash to help her?" I was actually starting to fret. "How bad does it get when she's like this?"

Mom ran her fingers through my hair and looked torn. "Well, I know since she's not feeling well and you're not a jerk… I think it will be okay if she sleeps in your room. Is that okay? Then if she gets sick, you can help her to the bathroom or get her whatever she needs. I really don't think I can handle getting up several times a night to check on her."

I nodded and squeezed her hand. "That would make me feel better, Mom."

"She shouldn't get too sick since your father made sure she was hydrated and you've been taking good care of her." She murmured thoughtfully and looked over at Bella again.

"Okay. My door stays wide open and I'll call you or Dad if I need help." Mom nodded and smiled down at me.

"You two are good for each other." She said and walked off.

"That's not fair!" Emmett sulked.

"What the hell are you talking about, dick head? I have to have my girlfriend in my room so that I can help her to the toilet if she needs to puke or get her water if she starts getting dehydrated." Then I caught his look and thumped the back of his head. "I'm not taking advantage of her, dumbass. She's gonna be sick tomorrow cause of you and she and I aren't even on a physical level past kissing. This isn't sexual and you're an idiot." I snapped, walking away from him as he babbled apologies.

I carefully picked up my sleeping angel, disentangling her from Rose's sleepy embrace, and carried her to my room.

Rose stumbled in my room behind me with a green camouflage bag and shoved me out, closing my door. "Rude." I muttered and waited, knowing Rose was helping Bella change.

**BELLA POV**

Edward's arms were warm and strong as he lifted me and carried me to a bed. I yawned and blinked my eyes open when I heard the door shut and saw Rose pulling out my pajamas. "Wha's goin on?" I slurred.

"You're sleeping in Edward's room with him so he can take care of you in case you get sick tonight. Mama C and Dr. Dad are cool with it." I nodded and smiled happily. I loved the idea of sleeping in Edward's arms.

"And my dad?" I asked through a huge yawn as Rose helped me dress.

"Thinks the parents are taking care of you." She answered and kissed my forehead when she tucked me in. I hugged the pillow and breathed deeply, my stomach only hurting a little.

_Smells so good. Smells like him. _Edward came in and I wondered if he was upset at having to take care of me. I felt kind of like a baby, needing all this attention. But Emmett had essentially 'Spiked the Bella', so it wasn't really my fault. But I wondered what Edward would think of my little "condition."

"Hey, beautiful." He murmured and I smiled. _Guess that answers that._

"Hey yourself." I sighed and rolled onto my back.

"So, Sugar-Drunk, huh? That's different." He said and stroked my hair out of my face. I sighed again and leaned into his touch, my face flushed from slight embarrassment.

"Mm-hm. Sick of me yet?" I asked jokingly.

"Not in the slightest. Although, I have to admit, I was really entertained when you hissed at a couple of girls who wouldn't get away from me."

I groaned and dragged a hand down my face. "Oh God, I didn't." I muttered.

"You did. And then flipped them off. They left quickly after that but I don't care. I'm just glad they're gone and I hope I never have to see them again." He said and stood, starting to strip.

"Wha-what are you doing?" I squeaked, my heart rate kicking up a few notches.

"I sleep in my underwear. Is… is that okay?" He asked, looking unsure all of a sudden.

He stood in nothing but a dark grey pair of tight boxer-briefs and I swallowed. "It depends, do you have a napkin for my drool?" I blurted and he grinned, his face reddening.

"You sure know how to show a girl a good time." He batted his lashes jokingly and chuckled, climbing under the covers next to me. I snorted and snuggled up to him, sighing heavily in deep contentment when his arms came around me. His heart beat against his chest where my ear rested and the steady thump-thumping had me drifting. He grabbed some kind of remote off of his nightstand and the lights snuffed out. "Love you, pretty girl."

"Love you, sexy boy." I said and yawned, finally crashing hard.

**A/N:** So, how do you like Sugar-Drunk Bella? This actually happens to me, btw. It's awesome and horrible. Sugar-hangovers are the worst, too. I'd rather just be actual hungover from alcohol. It's seriously easier to deal with. Anyway, This version of Edward and Bella, I can't remember if I've said this before, are modeled after my husband and I and our special brand of nucking futs. Many hearts! I hoped you enjoy! Remember, I post on the Sunday/Monday inbetweener thingy... whatever. XD Review if there is something you would like to see and I haven't done it yet. True, I am already four chapters in, but there is ALWAYS room for helpful and fun ideas. Love you guys, gals, and inbetweens!

Toodle Pip!

_**Blood Everlasting**_


	2. Puppies and Progress

**A/N:** Okay! Here we go, loves! A bit of smut. Skip it, skim it, or drool on it, I don't care. I'm just warning you it's there. Lol. Oh! And Edward earns yet another nickname. Heh heh heh...

_**Chapter Two: Puppies and Progress**_

**BELLA POV**

I awoke in the middle of the night with a bitch of a headache, wondering why I was so warm when I heard him. "Edward?" I whispered, remembering where I was. He moaned and ground against me, and that's when I noticed our position, and why I was warm. "Oh- _oh!_" My breath hitched and I threw my head back as his very prominent arousal ground into my core.

Quite easily, too, as we were facing one another and his hand was on the underside of my left knee which was hitched over his hip. His breathing was labored, his lips parted, and his eyes softly shut. _Oh, my God, he's asleep! And humping me! He's a sleep humper!_ Any other thoughts flew out my head when he mumbled my name and wrapped his arms around me, pulling my hips flush against his. _Holy shit!_ I whimpered and clutched at his shoulders. _Well,_ my mind reasoned, _Rose _did_ say a good orgasm can get rid of a headache… Shut UP you whore brain!_

"Edwa-" I didn't even have time to react when he rolled atop me and kissed me deeply. _Oh, fuck it!_ I gave in and kissed him back. It felt good and I was pretty sure he was in the middle of waking up. If not, maybe I could convince him he'd been dreaming… "Oh _God_!" I muffled my moans in his shoulder as he rocked against me over and over.

My back arched as I got closer and closer. "Bella? What-" he gasped when he realized what was happening, but I fisted my hands in his hair and brought his mouth back to mine.

"Don't stop!" I whined against his lips. He moaned deeply as I forced our pelvises together again.

"_Fuck!_" he hissed when I grabbed his hand and placed it on my left breast. I was too horny to be shy and it was all his fault. I was _damned_ if he wasn't going to at least get me off once. Maybe twice.

His hand closed around me, massaging gently before plucking at my nipple through the thin fabric of my tank top. I arched and bucked beneath him. He growled, slipping his other arm beneath me in a way that allowed him to rest on his elbow while he pulled me tight against him rocking harder against me. Locking my ankles behind him helped me grind against him easier. When he rolled my nipple between his thumb and forefinger, I was done.

My body tensed up as my orgasm rolled over me, wave after wave of pleasure caused my head to toss back, and I lost a battle of wills with my vocal chords: "NnnnnnnnGaaaawwwwwwwd!"

"Fuck, fuck, _fuck!_" Edward bucked against me, biting down on my shoulder as, I'm pretty sure, he came. A few moments of panting and gasping later, "What… _fuck_, what just happened?"

I grinned and started giggling. "You were getting frisky in your sleep. I woke up and took advantage of you." He pulled back and raised a brow at me. "And Rose was right." I added. Well, up went his other brow.

"About?"

"A good orgasm does wonders for a headache."

Edward laughed a little hysterically and dropped his forehead onto the pillow beside my head. "I don't think I'm going to survive Rose giving you advice." He pulled back and looked between us. "I know my skivs won't." I burst into giggles all over again and kissed his cheek.

"I love you. Get off me." I deadpanned and he fell to his side, finally letting go and laughing.

"I'm gonna change and get you a water bottle." He said after a few minutes. I was already starting to drift off again but forced myself to stay awake when he got up muttering something about being glad he had forgotten to open his door before we fell asleep.

_Yeah. _That_ would have been awkward for Mama C or Dr. Dad to walk in on slash break up._ I smirked. _Not bad for my first non-self-induced orgasm…_ I thought blearily as I tried to stay awake.

"Here, baby." He said and climbed back into bed, this time wearing a pair of pajama pants. I knew I needed to change my panties but I didn't really care all that much. If he started sleep humping me again, I was ready. That thought made me giggle and nearly choke on the water I had started drinking. "What?"

I shook my head. "You don't wanna know. Trust me." I said and snuggled close after dropping the capped water bottle onto the floor. "Good night, love."

He sighed and kissed my forehead. "Yes, it is. Sleep well."

**EDWARD POV**

_Jesus Christ, this woman is going to kill me._ I thought as I grabbed her a drink after changing out of my ruined skivs. _Note to self: wash your own damn laundry. No explaining things to Mom. Too fucking awkward._

In the morning, I woke up with Bella spooned against my chest, her sexy ass pressed firmly against my morning wood. _Is this a dream?_ I thought groggily and held her tighter. "Mornin', Bella." I said and nuzzled her hair.

She yawned and snuggled backward into me. "Morning, Puppy." She giggled.

"Wha- oh, God. Seriously?" I asked, completely mortified by the nickname.

"Hey, if I'd had my spray bottle, you would have woken up a _lot_ sooner." She giggled again. "Maybe." She amended after a moment. "Then again, I _could_ have woken you up and stopped you."

I heaved a sigh and hid my face in her hair. "Puppy, though? _Really_?" I complained.

"Nobody will know, and I think it's cute. It's not like I don't already treat you and Emmett that way, anyway." She reasoned and I had to admit her point. "Case in point, Grad Day."

"Ugh, I'll come up with something equally as embarrassing for you, little miss I-wanna-take-aerobic-stripping." I said and she roared with laughter.

"Ow! Hahahahahah! Ow, ow, ow!" she held her head. "Don't make me laugh! My head hurts!" she whimpered/snickered and I stroked her hair before rubbing her temples gently.

"Awwwwwww! You two are so cute." My mom grinned as she paused by the door. "Carlisle has some migraine medicine for you, sweetheart."

"Thank you, Mama." Bella whimpered and sat up.

Then Mom narrowed her eyes at me. "Edward, are you wearing pants?" I rolled my eyes and kicked out one of my legs so she could see my Invader Zim sleep pants. "Just checking." She said, palms out in peace. "I heard suspicious noises last night so I came to check but all I found was you giving Bella a water bottle." She said and walked away.

Bella and I stared at each other wide-eyed and blushing. She tapped my nose gently with a fingertip and said: "Bad puppy."

I groaned and buried my face in my pillow. "Damn it." I grumbled.

Breakfast was surprisingly good and I watched as Bella grabbed a glass of orange juice.

"So," Rose said, grinning and waggling her brows after my parents left the room, "it helped with your headache and got you to sleep better, didn't it?"

I watched helplessly as Bella snorted and choked on her drink before spraying Rose's face with orange juice, which caused me to start laughing while Emmett fell over, literally rolling on the floor in hysterics.

"It buuuurns!" Bella shrieked and ran for the bathroom holding her nose.

Rose sat, open mouthed in horror and shock and I got up to follow Bella and make sure she was alright. "You deserved that." I piped up before dashing off.

"Why me?" I heard her whimper pathetically through the bathroom door. She blew her nose as I waited anxiously.

"Are you okay?" I called out when the water stopped.

"It depends." Bella muttered and yanked open the bathroom door. "How much of my juice is the wench wearing?"

I chuckled. "Most of it. In her hair, all over her face, and soaking her shirt."

Bella steepled her fingers and grinned. "Eeeeeeexcellent."

I leaned forward and kissed her cheek. "Let me get you a towel and you can shower."

She nodded, following me to my room and grabbed herself a change of clothes. "Mama C, can I use your shampoo and conditioner?" Bella asked as I sat down in the living room with my Dad.

"Of course, sweetie. Go ahead and use my shower." Mom said and I barely refrained from rising from my seat.

After last night… keeping my hands off of Bella was going to be infinitely _harder_. Stop giggling. Deviants. "Down boy." Bella murmured as she walked past me.

"Woof." I muttered and she started giggling again before disappearing into the hallway.

Dad raised his brow at me and I pretended like I had no idea what was going on. "I'll buy that look from your brother, Edward, but not you." He murmured so that Mom couldn't hear. When she wandered off to check on Emmett, he moved to sit next to me. "Alright. What's going on? Your mother said she heard one pair of you getting frisky but only saw you getting water for Bella. I know for a fact Rose was knocked out all night so you wanna come clean?"

I groaned, dragging a tired and embarrassed hand down my bright red face. "No. I can honestly say I don't want to. I really don't want to talk about this, Dad."

"Tough shit, kiddo." He said and I gaped at him. "Are you two-" he trailed off and made a crude hand gesture which caused me to laugh in horror, sounding a tad hysterical.

"No! Jesus Christ, Dad! No! Oh, my God! No clothes were removed. It was dry. I swear." I squeaked when he raised both his brows in disbelief. "Daaaaad!" I whined. "We've been dating for less than a week. Gimme _some_ credit?" I begged.

He held his hands up in surrender and nodded. "Okay, okay. I'm sorry. I have, at least, more faith in Bella than that so I'll drop it." My jaw dropped in shocked disgust. "But-" I growled at him when he leaned over the side of the couch and handed me a drugstore sack. "Be safe."

I ran off after he made me accept the bag of condoms and I hid them under my bed. "Why me?" I whimpered just as pathetically as Bella had earlier.

**BELLA POV**

I needed to get home and start looking at job opportunities near the college campus so I was prepared by the time I left. Edward volunteered to take me home and I grinned, happy with this. I kissed him chastely (I could see my damned father peeking through the curtains) and bounded up to the porch cheerfully.

"You seem rather chipper through your Sugar-Hangover." My dad stated suspiciously.

I rolled my eyes. "Dr. Dad had Edward giving me water every hour and gave me some good meds. I'm fine, Daddy." I kissed his cheek and bounded up the stairs to my room as I had to the porch, practically singing in my cheerfulness.

Charlie rushed upstairs at my startled shriek. "What's wrong?!" He panted from the other side of my, thankfully, locked door.

"I'm gonna KILL ROSE!" I roared. He sighed in relief and walked off, satisfied I wasn't dying. I felt my body shake as with each pocket of each piece of clothing I checked and in each zipper pouch and even in my frakking wallet was a god damned CONDOM. There was a note from Rose at the bottom of the bag.

_**In case you and Eddie-kins get the urge for a lil pickle tickle, I've taken the liberty of making sure you won't have any accidents.**_

_**Lovins and nibbles,**_

_**Rosie Posie xoxoxoxo**_

"Dead. She's dead to me. That's all there is to it. She wants me to kill her until she dies from it." I mumbled hysterically. _Then again… it couldn't hurt to be prepared._ My conscience piped up "helpfully." _You whoooooooooore!_ I accused me. _Uh, yeah, stupid. Have you already forgotten the Big O your Puppy gave you last night?_ "Ffffffffuuuuuuuuuu-uuuun in the sun. Why you do this, brain?"

My phone rang with The Who's 'Who are you' which signified an unknown number, which meant I answered it like an asshole.

"Ken's Sperm Bank. You spank it, we bank it." The immediate gasp and dial tone had me cackling like a mad woman until my phone rang again.

"Roadkill Café. You kill it, we grill it."

Click.

Snicker-snort.

Ring.

"Ted's Taxidermy. You snuff it, we stuff it."

Click.

Cackle-giggle-snort.

I could do this all damned day. I waited excitedly for them to call again.

Ring.

"Kelly's Whore House. This is the Madam."

Click.

Okay, I was starting to cry I was laughing so much. I wondered how long they were going to try-

Ring.

_YES!_

"Henry's Hitman Hotline. You snipe it, we-"

"God damn it, Bella, STOP!" A man's voice finally snapped at me with laughter in his tone.

"Awwwwwww, you kill joy… who is this?" I asked, not quite pinpointing the voice.

"You're favorite Uncle, Shortbus." He insulted me.

"UNCLE JAMES!" I screeched excitedly. I learned every snarky, sarcastic comment and attitude from him.

"That's my name. Don't wear it out." He said and I could _hear _him rolling his eyes. I COULD HEAR IT. He is that good.

"Oldie but goodie." I chirped and kicked back on my bed. "How're you and Aunt Victoria?" I asked cheerfully.

He choked and roared a laugh. "You know your Uncle Victor _hates_ it when you call him that."

I heard my favorite redhead in the background yell out. "You get drunk and try on a skirt and heels ONE TIME and they never let you forget it."

"He has such _great_ legs, though. I'm envious. Oh! I'm dating a ginger, too, now! I call him Duracell when I want to annoy him." I said happily.

James laughed all over again and Vick took the phone away. "What did you say to my honey?" He asked curiously. If you didn't know them, you would have no idea they were gay, let alone married. They weren't those sassy gays that everyone loves to read about, watch on TV, or know. They're just average guys who met, fell in love, and stayed true to one another. Aside from the Cullens, they were my ideal for what true love should be.

I repeated the information and started telling my uncles all about my ex-popstar boyfriend, Victor being the go between and editing what he thought James might kill me or Edward for. Vick was in hysterics about the fishing incident and promised not to tell James about my frisky episode when I confided in him. By the end of the conversation, I'd promised to live with them during college so I could save money on rent (they lived pretty close to campus) and I had to bring Edward to meet them so they could grill and threaten him, though Vick was satisfied when I said Dad had grilled him previously. James, however, still wanted his turn to "protect" his favorite niece.

"I'm your _only_ niece, jackass." I deadpanned.

"Yes, but if Charlie hadn't been such a pain in the ass big brother and nailed your mom more, I could have more little ones to spoil." He sulked.

"What about you and Vick? Have you tried adoption or finding a surrogate?" I asked curiously.

The man was only 9 years older than me. Was a surprise for Granny and Grandad Swan. "It's difficult. You know that, babes." I sighed at his sad voice.

"You know what… we'll talk about this again soon. I need to eat and sleep. I'll do my best to help though."

"Thanks, babes. I love you, Belly-Button."

"James- hey, JAMES!" I shouted as I heard Vick yell that he loved me. I laughed and shook my head. "I love you, too, Jamesy-Poo." I said and hung up. I got up as my stomach growled, opening the door and yelping when I saw a hurt looking Edward raising his hand as if to knock. "Jesus Cookie Baking Christ, Puppy, you scared the CRAP outta me!" I clutched my heart and smiled at him in exasperation.

"Uh, yeah. Sorry. I just wanted to see if you wanted to go to Port Angeles for a movie and…" he ran a hand through his hair looking absolutely heart-broken. I tried not to laugh. Really.

I knew EXACTLY why he had that look on his face. He heard me say the big L word to a man he doesn't know. "And?" I asked, snorting and covering my nose as I coughed, trying to hide my laugh.

"…what? I… nothing. Nothing. I should go." He said and started to walk away. I rolled my eyes and decided to put him out of his misery.

"Were you eavesdropping?" I asked bluntly.

"Who's James?" He asked and I pulled his collar downward, kissing him quick and hard.

"James is my father's younger brother and, by far, the coolest uncle on the planet." I said and Edward sighed, his whole body sagging in relief.

"You knew I was freaking out the moment you opened the door, didn't you?" He asked, his face reddening adorably.

"Yep!" I said popping the 'p.'

"Damn it." He muttered, dropping his forehead to my shoulder.

"I love you, stupid."

"Love you, too, Bella." He huffed and nipped playfully at my ear.

My belly growled obnoxiously and I patted it affectionately. "Patience, my pet. I must feed the beast." I said matter of fact.

Edward chuckled and led me downstairs by the hand. "Come on. Let's go to dinner and a movie. It can be our first date."

"Casual, fun, and I get fed? Sounds good to me. Daddy! I'm going to Port Angeles with Edward to eat and watch a movie! I'll call you when I know when the movie ends!" I yelled and picked up my purse on the way out.

Edward was cringing, clutching his ear. "Shit, I'm _deaf_."

"What?" I asked jokingly.

"WHAT?" He asked loudly. We both laughed after a brief staring contest. I loved this freak. He's perfect for me.

**A/N: **So, that's it for chapter two. Whaddaya think? Hope y'all enjoyed it! As I'm not really trying to make much sense, I hope it's alright. Any grammar or spelling mistakes are my own. No Beta. Don't worry, it DOES move forward. Next chapter we get closer to starting college, though college itself doesn't have much to do with the story. c: If I finish sooner than planned, I'll start posting on Wednesdays as well as Sundays. But for now, it's still only Sundays... unless y'all start inspiring me more. Flattery will get you EVERYWHERE. *nudge, nudge; wink, wink* And if you tell me anything you want to see in the story, I can try and add it in. The weirdest shit inspires me. Seriously. Lol

Love yas! Toodle Pip!

_**Blood Everlasting**_


	3. V-Cards and Vindication

**A/N: **No smut but I am going to finally introduce my favorite creations, James and Vick. Yes, they are loosely based off of James and Victoria from the Twilight books but no, they're not really the crazy homicidal psychopaths like in the book. They're a hysterically snarky gay couple. They have some AWESOME lines. Just so you know, most of the occurrences in my stories come from real life experiences. Like Bella's musings before falling asleep... that was one of my more recent Facebook posts when I couldn't fall asleep and it was super late (or super early, depending on which view one takes). This is really more of a filler chapter I used as a chance to introduce y'all to James and Vick. So, sorry there isn't really anything of import happening yet, but I do leave you with a little bit of a cliffie. I have up to chapter 6 completely written and 7 has just begun. I hope I figure out what the crap I'm doing with this story soon. Lol

ENJOY!

_**Chapter Three: V-Cards and Vindication**_

**EDWARD POV**

The drive to WU took less time than I expected and I was nervous to meet Bella's favorite people, her Uncle Victor, who she assured loved me already, and her Uncle James, her mentor in sarcasm who she warned might kill me if I pissed him off. Nervous was an understatement because I couldn't tell if she was kidding.

Bella and I had been a little more physical than kissing when we managed any alone time but it was few and far between, much to my chagrin. We were both still carrying our V-Cards and had yet to round third base. Not for lack of trying on my part. Bella had been about to go down on me, that metaphorical pen was just BEGGING to check off third base, when her Dad came home early. I chose life, sneaking out her window, ironically nearly KILLING myself when I fell out of her tree because I had yet to button my fly and my pants had gotten caught on her fucking window sill. I had a nice scar on my hip from one of the devil-claws that tree dared to call a branch.

"ISABELLA!" A man with flaming red hair yelled and practically tackled Bella the second she stepped from the car. She squealed and hugged him just as fiercely. By the hair, I gathered this was Victor. "I missed you so much, you evil little thing." He laughed and kissed her cheek smackingly.

"Vick, this is Edward." Bella said and reached for my hand which I gave her freely.

"Oh, I see. So, _this_ is your little Duracell. It's just not fair that you have that as a natural hair color." He said and reached forward with a pale, slender hand and tugged at my longer-than-usual hair. "You're really pretty for a guy." He said and I tried not to be offended and just smirked, raising a brow.

"Nice to meet you, too." I chuckled.

His eyes widened as he grinned, dimples appearing in the corners of his mouth. "Oh, good. You can take a joke. This bodes well. You stay in my good graces, boy-o, and I'll continue to keep your guys' secrets of your 'Almost-sexcapades' to myself."

I blanched, my smile disappearing. "Please do." I begged. Victor laughed and led us into his and James' two story townhome.

"No need to fret, kiddies, I'm good for a laugh and a secret." He assured me.

"Come on, Puppy." Bella said grinning hugely, her doe brown eyes sparkling mischievously. "I'll protect you." She added and goosed me, making me yelp in surprise.

"-and he can take a joke." We heard Vick finish saying as we walked into the kitchen where James was manning the stove, pan-frying steaks.

"Of _course_ he can take a joke. Belly-Button wouldn't date anyone that couldn't handle her brand of 'short bus special.'" The blonde, muscular man covered in tattoos said and I could practically _hear_ him rolling his eyes. I was a bit intimidated.

"HEY!" Bella yelled and grabbed a spatula, waving it threateningly at James. "I haven't even been here _two minutes_ and you're insulting me?" She snapped, poking him in the side.

James snorted and raised his brow at her, flashing her a look through his brown eyes that were identical to hers. "Uh, have we _met_?" He asked and she sighed before smacking him in the back of the head and giving him a kiss as she had to Victor.

"Point taken." She muttered.

"Go sit your asses down at the table. Supper is ready." He said, and smiled cheerfully.

I followed orders, no dummy, me. The dynamics of this part of Bella's life was slightly hard for me to follow but that was par for the course in my relationship with her. Hell, at least I was never bored. I offered to help set the table but it was waved away as Vick finished quickly and grabbed a bottle of wine and a couple of glass bottles of Coca Cola for Bella and I. I was grateful. I didn't want to have to figure out whether they would want me to appear cool and drink or forgo it for intelligence. As I hated wine, it wouldn't have been a tough choice for me. Not to mention I wasn't exactly a huge fan of alcohol after Jasper and I abused some Tequila when Uncle Marcus stupidly left us alone together when we turned eighteen.

Once we started eating, _my god James is a fantastic cook_, the awkward and probing conversation started. "Are you two still virgins?" Unfortunately, it seemed as though James was waiting for me to take a drink. As I was choking, my eyes watering, I shook my head. "WHAT?!"

"Oh, my God, you asshole!" Bella laughed and threw a roll at James' head. "Don't kill my man. We are most definitely still virgins, you nosy prick. He's shaking his head because he's trying to get the soda out of his nose." She handed me a napkin which I gratefully accepted and blew my nose.

"Oh sweet baby Jesus that burns." I whined quietly. James just grinned.

"Sorry, man. I couldn't resist." He said and continued to eat. "I'll give you 'the talk' later, before you leave. For now, tell us about yourself. What are you going to study in college? And why did you quit being a pop star?" James asked.

Feeling a little more at ease, I began answering his questions, explaining all about how I got screwed out of creative control and freedom and why I left. How Bella and I met. How I fell head over heels in love with her which amused both he and Vick. But when we started talking about me going back into music, I started feeling a little weird.

"What's wrong?" Bella asked quietly.

I sighed. "I don't think I want to be a musician anymore." I admitted after a moment of quiet contemplation.

"What?! But you _love_ music!" She gasped. Vick and James gave us a moment alone to talk.

"Yeah. I do. And I would love to start up a little band and do mini-tours and whatnot, but I don't ever want to be forced into something due to a shitty label and even shittier lawyer, y'know? I just, ugh, the fame was fun for a while but it got old fast. The media is still hunting for me and trying to figure out what happened to me and I don't want them to find me." I sighed and smiled when she climbed into my lap. "I don't want them to find _you_. You don't deserve to be attacked and hounded and lose your privacy all because you're with me. I just-"

Her lips silenced me as she kissed me softly, running her fingers through my hair and pulling back. "I'm not going to leave you because _other people_ are douche bags. I love you."

I smiled brightly at her and squeezed her tight. "I love you, too. I'm sorry. I'm a little insecure because I know how awful having no privacy is and I'm worried that if and when they find me, they'll find out about you and all my psycho fans will send you hate mail and death threats and it _terrifies_ me."

"You know, it's kind of stupid to try and cross bridges when you haven't gotten to them yet." She said smartly and I laughed.

"Yeah, okay. Point taken. Why don't we go meet your uncles in the living room and maybe you guys can help me figure out what I wanna do with my life." I said and she giggled, getting up.

"Leave it to you, Romeo, to follow a girl to college with no real plan. Alright. Come on, stupid." She said and tugged me to stand with her. I chuckled as we walked hand in hand to the front room and froze at the more-intimacy-than-I-ever-wanted-to-see-outside-of -my-own-bedroom that her uncles were engaging in. "MY POOR VIRGIN EYES!" Bella shrieked, grinning hugely. The two leaped apart in surprise, Vick blushing like crazy.

"Sorry. We thought you two would be longer." James said, adjusting himself unabashedly. Bella leaned over, fake-gagging.

Vick sat down on a recliner, hiding his face in his hands. "Damn it." He muttered. Bella and I sat on the loveseat while James sat on the arm of the recliner, putting his arm comfortingly around his love.

**BELLA POV**

My uncles were fegging weird. No two ways about it. Vick was absolutely mortified and James was glorying in the attention, as usual. "What the focknuts is wrong with you?" I asked James in amusement.

"Oh, darling, the list is _endless_." He replied cheerfully. Vick nodded, his curly red locks bouncing with his agreement.

"I'm glad you still avoid the F Bomb, Bells." Vick said and I grinned at him. Yep. You've got it. He's the reason I don't say it. Pissed James off while he was "training" me to be his sarcastic mini-me. James grumbled something and Uncle Vick and I gave him our Bitch Brows, mine even more impressive after adding the technique Rose had perfected.

"So, who wants to help me unpack?" I asked and my Uncles immediately stood to help. If there was one thing that they were good for, it was being my family. Just my awesome family. Instead of discussing college we unloaded the SUV Edward had rented to move my stuff and his. Mine to my uncles, and his to his apartment with Emmett.

That night, I lay in my new queen bed that James bought me as a graduation gift wondering why I couldn't sleep. Oh right. My brain never shuts the hell up.

_Should the color purple SMELL like grape? Or am I just programmed that purple equals grape? How did the concept of wine come from fermentation? "Oh, hey, this is old and starting to smell weird... why don't I bottle and drink it? Yeah. That's a good idea. I have now discovered wine. When should I drink it?" If I drank rum in the morning, would that make me an alcoholic or a pirate? I mean, it's gotta be five o'clock_ some_where. What the hell is wrong with Russians? How did they figure potatoes would make Vodka? How the hell did that discovery come about and what must the conversation have been like? I guess I'll never know since I don't speak Russian... I should look up a goulash recipe. I really like cooking. Not as much as Mama C but I _do_ enjoy it. And baking? I can do that. You know what else I can do? Apparently not sleep. I'm REALLY good at that._

I groaned and rolled over. It must've been because I got spoiled with Edward sleeping next to me a few times a week and it would probably almost never happen now. _Maybe I should look into getting my own apartment?_ At about four in the morning, my brain shut down and I passed out cold being swamped with annoying and sad dreams. Not even two hours later, a bouncing mass of ginger attacked me and I whimpered.

"What's wrong, little Isabella?" Vick asked in a sing-song voice.

"I think I _just_ fell asleep. My brain wouldn't turn off and let me knock out." I whined. Sensing he might get clawed when he bounced again and I growled, he left me alone and I fell back asleep barely hearing a whispered conversation. I awoke at noon being held by a disheveled and sleeping Edward. I grinned and started kissing all over his face.

He started smiling but didn't open his eyes. "When did you get here?" I asked and straddled his waist.

"At five-thirty. Victor texted me that your tossing and turning was driving him bat-shit crazy. Since I apparently couldn't sleep either, I came over. He let me in and with strict instructions to stay clothed and leaving the door open, I was allowed to cuddle and sleep next to you." He kissed my forehead and I sighed.

"How are we going to function?" I asked and he chuckled.

"I've no idea, love. We'll manage, though." He reassured me. We eventually made our way downstairs to the kitchen and I whipped us up a late breakfast, wondering where my meddlesome uncles were off to. James wandered in sniffing about obnoxiously so I voiced my concern for my other uncle. "Where's Vicky-poo?"

"Had to run into the office. Someone broke into the firm and tried to steal some documents. Failed miserably but since it was _his_ office that got trashed, they wanted him to come in and do a statement. He's seven shades of pissed off and left without feeding me." He eyed the pancakes, bacon, and eggs hopefully.

"Well, sit down, then. It's almost done." I said and he ruffled Edward's hair before taking his own seat.

"You two kids sleep alright?" he asked and raised a brow.

"Yeah. Thanks for letting Vick let Edward come over. I wasn't sleeping so well till he got here. Guess I just need to get used to a new bed in a new place. I'll do better once I get into the swing of things and school starts." I added and James looked relieved.

"I don't mind you two sleeping next to one another every now and again here. Just no boning under my roof, aight? I may be one of the classic "cool uncles" and, let's face it, I'm fucking awesome, but I don't want to know when my only niece finally pops her cherry." He shuddered and grinned when I slammed a pot down.

"Cram it in your cram-hole, buttercup. I'm not ever going to screw under a family member's roof." I stated, noticing that Edward was blushing as badly as I was. "In any case, food's ready. Go get the juice and make me some coffee." I ordered, hand with a spatula on my hip.

He saluted me. "Aye-aye, Cap'n Cook!" I rolled my eyes. We ate in companionable silence, Edward and I drinking almost a pot and a half of coffee before we relaxed. James left to pick Uncle Victor up and I got dressed to go with Edward and help him unpack at his apartment.

I groaned in annoyance when James sent me a text asking where I was and demanded that I: _*Keep your knickers on and I won't have to kill either of you.*_ when I told him I may crash at Edward and Em's new place.

*_And risk getting tormented by my giant Thunder Buddy? Are you nucking futs? ~Bells_* I didn't tell him that I would probably be getting my boyfriend and I off a few times. I wasn't completely crazy. Just a little. Which is why, when Edward and I picked up a pizza at a local parlor, I didn't punch the reporter that shoved a camera and tape recorder in Edward's face.

**A/N:** Welp, that's it for now. I feel kind of bad leaving it at this so I may update on Wednesday if anyone wants. ;3 Hit me up, loves!

Toodle Pip!

_**Blood Everlasting**_


	4. Pepperoni and Papparazzi

**A/N:** Since this is such a short chapter, I figured "Why the hell not?" So, here it is. I just hope I can catch up. I'm STILL working on chapter seven. I'm being molested with a vicious case of Writer's Block, so if anybody wants to throw out any ideas, they'd be more than welcome. Lol. I'll just harass my hubby when he gets home but I would appreciate your help as well. Anyhoodles, here y'all go! Enjoy!

_**Chapter Four: Pepperoni and Papparazzi**_

**BELLA POV**

"Excuse me, Anthony, what are you doing in Seattle?" A busty brunette said while pushing a small recording device into his face.

"Edward? Let's get going." I said and tugged on his arm that wasn't balancing the pizza.

The reporter lost her smile and narrowed her eyes at me. Edward sighed and wrapped his free arm around my waist. "Sure, love. Excuse us, you must have me mistaken for someone else." He said smoothly.

"Anthony Masen!" Someone else shouted and we cursed, jumping into the SUV before taking off. Thankfully, Edward's new apartment complex had an underground parking structure that you had to have a gate key in order to enter _and_ get passed the security guard.

Edward, having already introduced himself to the complex manager and security guard there, informed the man that he'd been made and to not allow any reporters or press or ANYONE that wasn't supposed to be here anywhere near him or his apartment.

"I'm so fucking sorry, Bella." He sighed as we sat down inside the apartment.

I pat his cheek and climbed into his lap. "It's not your fault, Puppy. It was bound to happen sooner or later and that was far tamer than I had anticipated." We shared our horror story with Emmett and Rose and cursed when a few hours later, we were ALL getting phone calls. Constantly.

Apparently someone posted it on the internet and now everyone knew. "Crap on a stick." I muttered. We called and told our parents and family what happened and that we were shutting our phones off for the night.

I was getting ready to close Edward's bedroom door when I heard Rose shriek: "Well, _you're_ the dumbass that flipped the bitch switch, so buckle up and enjoy the ride, asshole!"

Edward and I shared wide-eyed stares before we burst out laughing. _Alright. This I gotta hear._ "What in the name of Hades' left nipple are you on about, woman?" I asked, poking my head around the corner to see Rose pretend-strangle her cell phone.

Edward snorted and wrapped his arms around me from behind.

"Why the left nipple?" She asked curiously as Emmett pulled her down onto his lap.

I shrugged. "I dunno. Don't most expressions that pick a side choose left? Like: 'Out of left field?' stuff like that." I offered, waiting for her to answer my original question.

She heaved a sigh. "Yeah. Anyway, apparently Top-Heavy Tanya got my number somehow and has earned my wrath by trying to find out "how solid Bella's and Edward's relationship is" and thought I'd actually help her break you two up." She made the finger quotes in the air while sneering and jiggling her chest in a perfect airheaded impersonation of the Denali whore.

I couldn't keep it to myself. "Whoooooooooore!"

"Right?! Fuckin A." Rose sulked. "She actually had the _gall_ to be surprised when I snapped at her and said there was "no need to be so touchy,"" she simper-sneered.

"Stop it! You're creeping me out with your impression of her. You're too talented." I shuddered and Rose smirked, pleased and insulted all at once. I knew exactly how to rectify that. "The only thing you're lacking is the stupidity. You can't pull off stupid." Rose preened and blew me a kiss when her phone rang again and we all stared at it.

"You've gotta be fucking kidding me…" she muttered and checked the caller ID. "Oh, thank God. Hi, Daddy." We all breathed a sigh of relief… and eavesdropped. "Yeah. Please, don't give my number to anyone outside of our family and even then, you know who to block for me. Yeah. Oh, definitely. No, anyone who _should_ have my number, has it. Anyone who doesn't probably shouldn't. What? What a bi-iiiiiig jerk!" She winced, glad she saved it before she cussed at her father. "I will be safe, Daddy. I promise. Don't worry. Em and I will protect Bella, too." She grinned and winked at me and I sighed, blushing.

"Why do I have to be so awesome? Parents frakkin love me." I sighed jokingly. "I'll be fine, Papa Hale!" I shouted and we all heard him laugh through the line.

"He says if we need, he can post body guards for us on the sly." She looked at us questioningly. I shrugged, not caring. It wouldn't be the first time Rose's dad went overboard to "protect" us. I swore he had to be in, like, the friggen mafia or something. "As long as they're out of our way and don't attract attention. What? Oh, yeah! Totally! Peter and Charlotte would be perfect. Yeah. Thanks, Daddy. I love you, too. Bye."

"Well… that was interesting." Edward said at length. "Who are Peter and Charlotte?"

"Charlotte is my cousin and she runs protective services like bodyguards and shit. Peter is her husband and they apparently called my dad to make sure we would be okay before offering their services. I figured it would be cool to have them around in any case." Rose said and yawned, turning off her phone.

"What's the name of their company?" Edward asked.

"Southern Hospitality." She said and Edward gaped. "What?"

"Is Peter's last name Whitlock?" he asked and both he and Emmett gaped when she nodded before they burst out laughing.

"What are we missing?" I asked, turning in Edward's arms to face him.

"Peter is our cousin on our dad's side. He's our cousin Jasper's half-brother. I _knew_ they sounded familiar." Edward chuckled and I grinned.

"How the fuck did I not KNOW this?" Rose demanded.

"I guess I kind of should have…" Emmett admitted after a moment. "I mean, it's not like Pete was around all the time and he and Char were married before Ed made it big and moved in with Uncle Marcus…" Emmett shrugged. "Guess I just never put two and two together. But that's kind of cool, too. Definitely a pleasant surprise in any case."

I nodded and yawned obnoxiously. "Come on, Puppy. I'm exhausted." I stepped away, stretching and blinked hard to keep my eyes open. I yelped when he scooped me up into his arms but snuggled up to him when I almost immediately started to fall asleep.

"We slept pretty awfully last night." He said and we bid goodnight to our family/friends. I stripped down to my skivs and a tank top and waited for Edward to climb in with me. As he lay down, he pulled me tight against him and heaved a long-suffering sigh. "I'm really sorry, baby." He murmured, sounding sad.

I turned in his arms and ran my fingers through his beautiful, messy copper hair. "I'm becoming more amused than anything, if you want the truth." I said and chuckled when he stared at me like I was crazy. "Don't look at me like that!" I snapped and squinted at him through the darkness. "You knew I was nuts before you asked me out, so don't act like it's '_all a big surprise_.'" I mocked and wiggled my hands in the air insultingly.

It did the trick, though, and made him laugh. "I love you."

"I love you, too, Duracell. Not stop fretting and just enjoy the fact that now it's out there it can blow over sooner. Now, don't get me wrong- I know it's going to be a hassle and the biggest problem I'm going to have is to ignore people when they try and bait me. I'm a sucker for a battle of wits." I said and felt a little worried. "I don't want to embarrass you…" I said in a small voice.

"I think we'll need Peter and Charlotte to protect the reporters from _you_." He said after a minute and we both grinned. "Is it wrong that I'm looking forward to witnessing the first poor sap that earns your wrath?" I threw my head back and laughed.

"Oh, we'll see. You may just never want to be seen with me in public again."

He snorted and rolled his eyes. "I'm looking forward to showing off my incredibly sexy, intelligent, and slightly hysterically violent girlfriend. People won't know whether or not to be scared along _with_ their intense envy."

I nuzzled his cheek. "I think I'm looking forward to responding to each individual letter of hate and the death threats. I just don't have any faith that anyone can be more creative than I can… or as crazy and vindictive…" I smirked when he flat out giggled. I didn't even know guys could _do_ that!

The next morning was apparently how soon the first time I let a reporter bait me and I could see Edward vibrate with curiosity as to how I would react along with a healthy dose of fear for the reporter's well-being.

Rose and I stood in classic bitch poses, arms crossed, lips pursed, hips cocked to the side as the reporter back-pedaled. "I swear I'm not racist. Please don't call my editor." She begged and ran off.

I turned and grinned, Emmett was in a ball against the far corner of the parking structure crying from trying not to laugh. "We're clear, Thunder Buddy." His roars of laughter echoed throughout the complex as he rolled around on the filthy ground.

"Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!" He wailed/squealed while trying unsuccessfully to catch his breath. "'**_It's because I'm BLACK, isn't it?!_**'" He mimicked my earlier rant, snapping his fingers side to side, which was pretty impressive from his awkward position on the ground.

Rose and I giggled hysterically and I nearly died when she held up the reporters recording device. "Oopsie." She said completely unapologetically and I soon joined Emmett on the ground.

**A/N:** What the fuck?! I just had a sharp pain on my back and it started itching like crazy. So I attacked it and when I brought my hand back, there was a smooshed black bug... it was either a fat little ant or a frikken spider. I smooshed it good. EW! *shudders* Bastard. Now my back itches and I'm trying to figure out where the little shit came from. *looks around suspiciously* Dammit! I totally forgot what I had originally planned to say. Oh well. Anyway, the black thing is something my brother pulled with some jerk-off who worked at a restaurant who was whispering racial slurs to someone else. He heard and so did his black friend with whom he was dining. So Mikhail, my bro, stands up when the waiter comes back (shitty service was shitty) slams his hand on the table and yells the quote. Alvin, his buddy, nearly DIED laughing. I love my family. ;3

Gotta run and hunt down something to use as a back scratcher. Hit me up, loves!

Toodle Pip!

**_Blood Everlasting_**


	5. Doovalacky and Death Threats… Once More

**A/N:** I feel like crap right now so I'm just gonna post this and hope for inspiration and to feel better. I hope you guys and gals and in-betweens enjoy. Much love!

_**Chapter Five: Doovalacky and Death Threats… Once More With Feeling**_

**EDWARD POV**

I was in the middle of signing up for Music History and Music Theory when Bella found me. It had been about three days since the hilarious, and ingenious, defense against the clumsy young reporter. "What's wrong?" I asked when her angry face came into view.

She twitched her head to the side, clearly grinding her teeth, when she finally managed to reply, though not entirely coherently. "Going… kill her… slowly… quick death too nice… hate my mother… need blood…"

I blinked at her, quickly finished the paperwork, and pulled her away to a secluded area before sitting down on the ground and pulling her into my lap. "Baby, what's wrong?" I asked again softly, running my fingers through her hair, watching in amusement as she slowly but surely relaxed. I relaxed, too… until she started to cry. _Holy shit, this is not good. She _never_ cries… unless we're watching Steel Magnolias…_ Don't judge me.

She finally whimpered the whole story to me and I felt my heart harden towards the woman who birthed my love. "I got a couple of hateful letters sent to my dad's house, which I thought was great and hilarious. I told Dad to read them to me and he's already filing charges against the idiots that actually left return addresses and whatnot. There were a couple from nice people I went to school with, like Angela Weber and Ben Cheney, who wished us luck and said we made a cute couple." That made me smile. "Then Charlie said Renee had called. I thought that was normal… until he told me _why_ she had called.

"She knew we were changing our phone numbers, so I thought she just wanted my new number. He was about to give it to her until he heard the reporter asking her a bunch of questions over the line even though she was clearly on the phone. So, she started asking him and they were all kinds of horrible, invasive, and personal questions. I wouldn't answer most of them even if it had been _Rose_ asking them. That's how bad they were. I just… what the Fudrucker's? That's my _mom_. She's supposed to care about me and protect me. Not try and wrangle a spotlight."

I rocked her as she cried a little more. "I'm so sorry, love. This is all my-"

"Finish that sentence and I'm going to bite you, Mike Tyson style." She threatened and I winced. "It's not your fault she's a heartless harpy. A part of me always knew that but a tiny part of me had hoped that I meant more to her than that. I'm glad it happened now and not later, like if I wanted to take you to spend the weekend with her to meet her and we were ambushed by reporters and stuff." She sniffled and snuggled against me, smiling tremulously as I kissed her cheek noisily.

"Mom might try and attack Renee if she hears about this." I cautioned, hoping I wasn't rubbing in the fact that _my_ mother would never pull something so hurtful to her children.

Bella's head whipped up, her eyes wide, before grinning slowly, evilly. _Uh-oh._ Before I could stop her, she bounded off my lap and ran off, pulling her cell phone out as she went. _This is about to either be really bad, or exceptionally amusing. I hope it's the latter._

I wasn't terribly surprised when, four hours later, my mom was barging into my apartment and pulling a pitiful-looking Bella into her arms. After talking to my mother on the phone, Bella had gathered Rosalie, ice cream, and Pixar movies, camping out in my living room to wait for the one person who has always been a mother to her. Mom sat in the middle of the couch while Rose and Bella claimed a leg each to lay on, my mom stroking each of their heads affectionately while they watched Finding Nemo. My phone rang and Bella glanced over to me curiously.

I smiled, flashing her a thumbs up, and mouthed: "Dad." She nodded and went back to her movie as I walked back to my room to take the call. "Hey, Charlie." I answered. What? I never said it was _my_ dad.

"Hey, Edward. Bella's shut off her phone. Is your mother there, by any chance?" He asked in his usual gruff, uncomfortable way.

I chuckled. "Yeah. She's currently cuddling the girls on the couch watching kids movies. Sir?" I asked after Charlie sighed in what I hoped was relief. He grunted. "I just want you to know, I've never seen Bella as angry or as completely crushed as she was today. After she calmed down from being mad, she burst into tears. And I'm pretty sure if my mother ever comes across Renee, there just might be a cat-fight."

I heard Charlie start coughing before his laughter finally broke through. "I'm rooting for Esme." He said when he calmed down.

I smiled a little. "Me, too, and not because she's my mom. But because Bella needs a mother who loves her more than herself. And she has that with mine. She has that with me, too." I admitted softly.

"I know she does, son. Which is why I'm not going to kill you for having your little 'sleep overs.'"

My voice caught in my throat, causing me to squeak, before I blurted. "We're still very much virgins!"

Charlie laughed at me. I can't blame him. "I know. I have my sources." He said mysteriously and I immediately suspected James. "In any case, she is an adult and I have no say-so in her private life. Nor do I really want to know about it. As long as she's safe, and you two, _ugh_, are being safe if and when the time, _god damn it_, when the time comes… just, yeah. Different subject. Is your mother staying the night there?" I was wondering if he was going to vomit; I know _I_ felt sick.

"By her overnight bag, I'm assuming so. Rose is gonna crash with Emmett and I'm pretty sure Bella and my mom are gonna share the inflatable mattress. She seems to need my mom pretty badly right now." I said softly, though I really hoped Bella would share my bed with me. I slept like shit when she wasn't with me. My coffee maker was my new best friend when she slept at her Uncles'.

"Alright, then. After the raging that Esme did when she stormed into the station, I was hoping she was going to see Bella and not fly out and murder my idiot ex." I blinked. He'd left that tidbit out until just now. "Be careful of those paparazzi and please stop Bella from blurting crazy things? She's going to get her ass kicked if she's not careful with that word vomit. Or if she doesn't attack first. I won't entirely blame you if I have to bail her out of jail for assault, just so you understand. I know my little nut job." He said with great affection. "Good night, kid."

"Bye, Charlie." And we hung up. I made my way out to the living room and blinked when I saw that both Rose and Bella were fast asleep, Mom grinning proudly. I chuckled and got the inflatable mattress out, blowing it up in Emmett's room so as not to wake the girls, and Mom put on some pajamas in my bathroom. By the time I carried the mattress back out to the living room, Bella was gone and Mom was having Emmett carry Rose to his room.

"She woke up and crawled into your bed. I'll make you guys breakfast in the morning and head on home." She said and ruffled my hair.

"Did she seem okay?" I asked worriedly.

Mom nodded, her green eyes brilliant with unshed tears. "I could just _kill_ Renee for putting that dejection inside Bella's heart and mind. No child should ever feel that way." She sniffled and I stepped forward to comfort her.

"I love you, Mom." I murmured and she hugged me all the more tightly. "You know, Charlie called me to make sure you were here and not flying out to murder Renee."

Mom scoffed, rolling her eyes. "I _should_. She needs a boot in the butt, at the very least."

"He said he'd bet on you." I said and she chuckled, kissing my forehead.

"Go to bed, honey, and take care of our girl." She murmured and then swat my butt, causing me to yelp and jog off while she chuckled again.

Bella was tossing and turning, tears squeezing out of her tightly closed lids, when I got there. I closed my door, quickly stripped down, and climbed in behind her, pulling her flush against my body. Her soft, shuddering sigh hurt my heart and I almost wished I could rip Renee a new one myself. I spent about an hour soothing Bella in her sleep, thinking about how lucky I was to not only have Esme as my mother, but Bella as my girlfriend.

"Puppy." She mumbled and finally settled down. I smirked and kissed the side of her exposed throat before finally falling asleep, dreaming of what I would do if Bella didn't stop wiggling enticingly against me.

I woke up to the delicious smell of blueberry and banana pancakes… and Bella's teeth latched to my shoulder as she hummed in appreciation. "If you're asleep, I'm gonna cry." I groaned.

Her giggle let me know she was, indeed, awake. She released my shoulder, her tongue soothing over the tender spot softly. "I'm awake, Puppy." She said and popped to her feet before I could grab her. "Food's almost ready and you wouldn't wake up when I shook you, called to you, kissed you, _nothing_. So, I bit you." She announced cheerfully and matter of fact.

I looked pointedly down to my tented skivs before looking back at her. "And what am I supposed to do about _this_?"

She blushed but grinned and shrugged. "Hit the head and snap one off."

I gaped at her as she literally skipped out of the room, closing the door behind her. _Did she seriously just tell me to masturbate in the bathroom? I just…_ "That's not fair." I whined and forced every awful thought into my head to calm down without resorting to self-gratification with my mother in the apartment. _Emmett and Rosalie getting it on in the pool house last month. Mom and Dad desecrating the kitchen table when I was ten. Chester hitting on my Bella._ I was immediately angry but my body corrected itself and I was calm and collected in a matter of minutes. I washed my face and dressed before heading out and kissing my mother on the cheek.

"Morning, pumpkin." She said, dressed in a lovely floral-print Fifties styled frock. "Eat up and I'll head out."

"Thank you, Mom." I said and sat down next to a decidedly disappointed Bella. "Morning, baby." I said and kissed her cheek.

"Good morning… did you…" she waggled her brows and bit her bottom lip.

"Nope." I said and started shoveling food into my mouth before Emmett woke up and devoured everything. Rose came into the kitchen, gratefully accepted a cup of coffee from Mom, and sat down, making herself a plate.

Emmett finally dragged his lazy ass to the table and just grabbed the serving platter, inhaling it before I could sneak a third plate. What? My mom's pancakes are the fricken bomb!

"Okay, now that my kids are fed and happy… er… I'm going back home. Be safe and call me if ANYTHING happens. And I mean it!" She gave us each hugs and kisses before slinging her bag over her shoulder and heading out.

"Best Mom Ever Award." Bella groaned happily, leaning back and patting her full stomach. "I'm going to make one, smother it with hearts and glitter, bronze it, more glitter, and give it to Mama C." She decided and we all nodded, agreeing whole-heartedly.

My phone got a text message not ten minutes later and I blinked several times, my brain not wanting to compute what I was reading. "Nnnnnnnaaaahhhhh…" I said with absolute incredulity. "No. That's not… Emmett?" I asked and handed him my phone.

"Nnnnnnnaaaahhhhh." He repeated with a matching expression and tone. "No." He said and shook his head.

"What?" Rose and Bella asked at the same time.

Rose snagged it from Emmett and Bella read it over her shoulder. "Nnnnnnnaaaahhhhh…" they said at the same time in the same way.

"That's _low_." I muttered and everyone nodded in agreement.

"Corrupting those poor Girl Scouts." Rose said sadly and shook her head, tsking.

"We're still gonna buy the cookies, though, right?" Bella and Emmett asked in synch.

Rose and I snorted. "Uh, _yeah_." I replied. _Ain't _nobody_ getting in the way of my Lemonades._ I looked at my phone again after Rose handed it back.

_*Sweetie, just a heads up: I just looked over as I was at the first stoplight and saw a news van outfitting a couple of young Girl Scouts with what looked like recording equipment. Be on guard before you answer your door. Love you! ~Mom*_

Emmett looked over at me, grinned, and then shouted: "CRIKEY!" My grin soon joined his and we both started giggling as we ran to our respective rooms. Rose and Bella sat on the couch, waiting for us, and as we came back… they lost it.

Thanks to our mother, we were both outfitted like hikers from Australia, awesome hats included. We enjoyed "getting into character."

"You know, you _could_ just use some black eyeliner and write "FUCK" on your face so the press can't use your image like Marilyn Manson does." Rose said when her and Bella had calmed down a little bit from their laughter.

I pursed my lips, thinking it over. "Nah. I don't need to get even more flack from written articles about a decision like that. Besides, I hear we're getting enough death threats from the fact that I'm dating someone, I don't need them from angry mothers, too." Bella hunched her shoulders and I glared at her. "Don't start." I snapped at her. "That would happened regardless of who I was dating so don't you dare feel bad. My fame is what's causing my hardships, not you. You make them bearable."

"Okay." She said softly, smiling up at me.

When the doorbell finally rang, Emmett opened the door and startled the hell out of the two approximately ten-year-old girls. "G'Day little Sheilas! What can I do for ya?"

"Uh… we're, um, selling cookies to support our troop." One of them squeaked out.

"Oy, I _love_ biscuits!" I chimed in after I adjusted my hat. They jumped, startled again, and it took everything in my power not to burst out laughing as Rose and Bella wheezed behind us, hiding on the floor in front of the couch. "What kinds do ya have?" I asked and smiled brightly.

The shorter one blushed and pointed at the adorable little Radio Flyer red wagon.

I crouched down to look through and the taller of the two girls squinted before her eyes widened and she started whispering to the other one. An idea hit me. "We'll buy _all_ of them! D'ya have any more than this? Our mates _love_ sweets."

The girls both gaped at me before whispering furiously. The short one eyed me before smiling shyly. "We know who you are, Mr. Masen." She said softly, her little voice adorable but I was wary. "But you're really nice and those people with the cameras are just trying to be nosy."

"It's not very Christian of them." The taller said, her brown pigtails bouncing as she crossed her arms. "We'll make a deal with you. You buy the cookies like you said you would, and we'll throw the reporters off the scent."

"But what about the little recorders?" The shorter asked her companion.

The taller one crouched down and took the tape out of the recording device in her wagon, handing it to me. I thanked her and handed her a small wad of twenties. Her eyes widened and she pulled the other device off of her and handed the whole thing to me.

"That's too much money!" The little one cried out.

I smiled and shook my head. "Anything over the money that goes to the cookies is what gets donated to your troop." I said, knowing I handed them well over three hundred dollars.

The tall girl grinned and shook my hand. "You're cool even if your music sucks." She said and I gaped as Emmett fell over laughing and I started chuckling, too.

"Only the first album I released was _my_ music." I corrected. "The rest was awful stuff the record company made me do. That's why I quit." She pursed her little lips thoughtfully and nodded.

"I would have, too." She said at length and then, after Emmett grabbed ALL of the boxes of cookies, they made their way out of the complex and back to their guardians.

"That worked out better than I had hoped." Emmett said as he started organizing the boxes.

Rose and Bella rolled their eyes at us. "You guys _do_ know that Edward could have just stayed in his room and NOBODY would have been the wiser, right?" Rose asked with her patented Bitch Brow.

Emmett and I looked at each other sheepishly. "But where's the fun in that?" He asked and I nodded my agreement.

"I need to get back to my uncles." Bella said after a moment. I pouted my bottom lip out and Bella rolled her eyes. "Duck face." She said and waited for me to stop. "My schedule came in the mail," she held up her cell and wiggled it, "and I need to make sure I have all of the books I need."

I sighed and changed back into my original clothes, adding my beanie and shades. Bella and I made our way to the parking garage and I grinned as I saw my new car all sparkly and new and pretty and… yeah. Let's just say I love my car. It was a 1954 Chevy Malibu, blue body, white roof, and white leather interior. I loved everything about that car. I had originally intended on getting something new, fast, and flashy but then I saw this beauty for sale by a sweet old woman who had recently lost her husband and was in need of the money for his funeral.

When I learned that the sweet old woman was the widow of the late Simon Jennings, owner and proprietor of my favorite old record store, I immediately told her that the car was worth more than what she was selling it for (which was true), and bought it, in cash, as well as making a donation to the funeral home anonymously for his cremation, burial, and service. Last I heard, she was on a lovely cruise to Italy to go to the place where she and her husband had first met.

Call me sappy, but I love a good love story. "If you keep spending your money like this, you're going to run out." Emmett had warned.

"It's not like I do this all the time nor is there that much I want to spend my money on. Plus, I'm still getting a shitload of royalties from my past crappy music. Try not to worry. I've invested a very large portion wisely and Uncle Marcus is making sure it's growing." I patted his shoulder in comfort.

Shaking my head, I came back to the present and unlocked and opened the passenger door for Bella. "How's Mrs. Jennings?"

I smiled. "Good." And I told her about the cruise.

"Aw, that's so sweet!" She said and sighed dreamily.

"Would you want to go on a cruise?" I asked casually as we made our way to James and Vick's.

She shrugged. "Maybe. If I can relax and not get hassled." She said, sending me a sidelong glance.

I knew what she meant and nodded. "Yeah. I'd have to get a private yacht or get sworn statements from the cruise line not to be hassled or to have anyone take any _souvenirs_ from my cabin." I shuddered. "It would creep me out to know some fan had stolen a pair of my underwear or my toothbrush, y'know?"

Bella's eyes widened. "Oh, my God… I never thought about that. I was just thinking you might get hassled by fans for autographs and pictures while trying to relax."

I smiled at her and put my hand comfortingly on her thigh. "If I got sworn statements from the staff, I'd be satisfied with that until they gave me a reason not to be."

She smiled back and nodded. "You're such a nice guy, Duracell." She giggled when I sulked. When we arrived, there were police cars with flashing lights at the house. "Uncle James?!" Bella shrieked and jumped out of the car before I had even stopped all the way.

"Bella!" I shouted and parked quickly, running out after her. It was only midday. It was too early for this shit. I pulled her into my arms as she took slow deep breaths to calm down. "Officer? What happened? Are her uncles alright?" I asked.

The officer with the clipboard turned to us and nodded. "Yes. One of the lions escaped from the zoo." It was then we noticed animal control, too. "Apparently, as Mr. Swan was bringing in his groceries, the lion must have smelt the raw meat from the butcher and attacked. There were no serious injuries," he said quickly when Bella and I gasped, "but the lion seemed to have… taken a special _liking _to your uncle." He said and snorted, coughing to cover up what I recognized as a laugh.

"Nnnnnnnaaaahhhhh…" I said, my lips twitched and trembled as I tried not to laugh. My eyes watered with the effort.

"Waaaaaaaaiiiiiiiit a minute…" Bella said and cleared her throat. "Are you saying a lion put the moves on my Uncle James?" She asked, her voice breaking and squeaking.

"The, uuuhhhhhhh," cough, snort, chuckle, cough, "the zoo said they will cover the dry cleaning and-"

"DRY CLEANING?!" We turned as James stormed over in a pair of sweat pants and nothing else. "NO! BURN THE FUCKING THINGS! I DON'T EVER _EVER_ WANT TO SEE THOSE DIRTY DEFILED CLOTHES THAT WHORE LION RUINED!"

That was it. Bella and I were on the ground laughing hysterically. We. Could. Not. BREATHE. "National Enquirer headline of the century! 'My Uncle Was Raped But We Think He Was Lion.'" Bella squealed and the cop lost it, walking away to save face, but he couldn't hide his shaking hunched shoulders.

"IT'S NOT FUNNY!" James screamed at us and that only made us laugh harder as he stormed off back into the house. Victor came outside with two bags laughing.

"He kicked me out so I grabbed your mail and stuff and apparently I need a place to crash tonight." Vick grinned and we started laughing all over again.

**A/N:** I have no idea why I wrote this chapter. *epic facepalm* This is just ridiculous. I guess I did it for the LOLZ. *shrugs* R&R Please. Thank you my loverlies.

Toodle Pip

_**Blood Everlasting**_


	6. Always Avoid Alliteration

**A/N:** I'm just gonna be honest. I totally forgot to update yesterday. Hubs and I were spending most of the day watching Warehouse 13. GREAT SHOW! There was a crapload of stuff in it that had me snarking "Well, THAT'S convenient." *cue eyeroll* But other than that, it's A LOT of fun to watch. So, yeah. I'm so behind in my writing schedule and I am super disappointed in me. I even have the hubs on a "REMIND ME TO WRITE!" schedule so I don't forget. Love you peoples! I swear! I'll try to make sure I have the next chapter ready for the next update day.

ENJOY!

_**Chapter Six: Always Avoid Alliteration**_

**BELLA POV**

It took a couple of weeks for James to forgive us, but even _he_ could admit how hilarious it was now that he wasn't angry. Although, I was beginning to fear that maybe calling him "Lion-O" was pushing my luck, I couldn't _help_ it! The fegging lion O'd on him big time. Disgusting, but true. Of course, not as disgusting as when Uncle Vick was making cream of mushroom soup and said "lion" instead of "mushroom." Nobody held it against James when he punch Vick's left butt cheek, causing it to go numb and make his leg give out.

_I love my family._ I thought and shook my head, grinning. I was sitting in one of my gen ed classes, pretty sure it was English Lit and I was so not paying attention, when the teacher called on me.

"Miss Swan, maybe you would care to answer the question?" Professor Green asked, staring down his crooked nose at me.

"Sure." I said immediately, cheerful from my amusing thoughts. "What's the question?"

The class chuckled and I waited patiently, for once not embarrassed in the slightest, which seemed to annoy our young professor. "Well, Miss Swan, if you had been paying attention, then you'd know." He said haughtily, tossing his longish blonde hair over one shoulder, acting every part the douche I knew certain hipsters to be.

"Well, I'm sorry I wasn't for a moment." I said honestly and smiled again. He just stood there with his arms crossed. "Are you going to repeat the question so that I might answer it or are we going to go back and forth for no reason?"

He huffed and put a hand on his hip. "What is alliteration and can you give an example?"

When he saw my grin grow, he frowned warily. I leaned forward and, though he was a good twenty feet away from me, he leaned back. _Smart man. Too bad you're an asshole and I've got my guns on you._

"Alliteration is a literary device that repeats a speech sound in a sequence of words that are close to each other. It typically uses consonants at the beginning of a word to give stress to its syllable." At the teacher's nod and rude hand gesture to continue, I shrugged and decided to quote one of my favorite movies. I stood and turned to the class as my Drama teacher had taught me.

"_Voilà! In view, a humble vaudevillian veteran, cast vicariously as both victim and villain by the vicissitudes of Fate. This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is it vestige of the vox populi, now vacant, vanished, as the once vital voice of the verisimilitude now venerates what they once vilified. However, this valorous visitation of a bygone vexation stands vivified, and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin vanguarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition. The only verdict is vengeance; a vendetta held as a votive, not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous. Verily, this vichyssoise of verbiage veers most verbose vis-à-vis an introduction, and so it is my very good honor to meet you and you may call me V."_ I bowed gallantly, jokingly, and was about to sit back down when something startled me.

I expected sneers, maybe some amusement, a couple of smiles… not a full out applause from almost the entire class. _That_ was when I finally blushed. Taking my seat, I sat as low in my seat as I could, and got a nod of approval from Professor Green. _Pffft, like I care what _you_ think, ya douche tickle._ I thought and wanted to go down to his desk and deck him when he asked:

"Theater Major?"

"Uh, no. Child Psychology and Culinary Arts." I mumbled just loud enough to be heard. Completely taken aback, he started and cocked his head to the side.

"If I may, why those two together? Seems an interesting combination." He said.

"My mom and I want to go into business together and I need certain degrees. The idea is private, though." He held his hands up in supplication.

"Fair enough. Thank you for your participation." I nodded at him and sat through the rest of class uncomfortably.

When we were dismissed, I gathered my things, slung my satchel over my shoulder and started to make my way out. "Bella! Wait up, it _is_ Bella, right?" A guy from class asked as he jogged to catch up. He was cute as far as other guys were concerned, but I had an Edward. I didn't need a cute guy. I had a sexy as hell man.

"Yeah. What's up?" I asked and left my face politely blank, hands holding to the strap of my bag.

"Hi, my name's Josh. I just wanted to say you were really cool back there, not letting that hipster dick get to you." He said and rubbed the back of his neck, grinning.

I smirked. "He's got nothing on my family. It was easy to not be affected." I said, waving it off.

"That's cool. I, uh, I was wondering if you weren't busy, maybe you'd want to grab a bite to eat?" His face was red and if I was single, I would have been blushing and accepting. But…

My stomach growled and I chuckled. "Sorry. I _am_ hungry," I admitted, "but I'm making dinner for my Uncles tonight and I have to hit the grocery store soon."

"Oh, that's cool. You don't live in the dorms?" He asked as we walked towards the quad.

"Nah. I'm getting a break and living with my Dad's kid brother and his husband." When he didn't make a face or look grossed out, I gave him mental brownie points. "They're awesome but neither of them know how to make my late grandmother's pot pie. She left that recipe to _me_." I said proudly.

"That's pretty awesome." He said and shuffled his feet. I was about to wave goodbye when he stepped into my personal bubble.

"Whoa!" I said and stepped back.

"Sorry!" He flushed in embarrassment and ducked his head. "I was gonna ask if you wanted to go to eat or something tomorrow?"

_Man, he's persistent._ I thought and smiled awkwardly. "As long as it's platonic. I'm in a relationship." I said and he sighed, nodding.

"Yeah. I should have known the only pretty AND smart girl in class wouldn't be single." He muttered. "Well, I could always use another friend." He said after a moment and I grinned, holding out my hand out for him to shake.

"Sounds good." I said and we clasped hands. I heard a familiar horn sound and giggled. Edward loved that goofy sounding 'Ah-oooooooguh' horn. "That would be my boyfriend." I said at Josh's confused expression.

As I walked off I heard him mutter again. "Of_ course _he's good looking and has an expensive classic car. _Fuck_."

I choked trying not to laugh again and climbed into the passenger seat. "Hello, Puppy. How was your day?"

"Dodged some press and bought an old SNES and some classic games. How was class?" He asked and leaned over for a kiss. I gladly complied, licked at his lips, and gripped his thigh.

"Annoying. The professor is a hipster douche bag but I had a little bit of fun and then I got hit on by some guy after class for standing up for myself." I smirked when his eyes narrowed.

"What's his name?" He growled. I kissed him again.

"Josh." He growled again and I flicked his ear. "Shut up, stupid. He's a nice guy but I was very obvious about being spoken for. And unless he turns into a prick, I'm willing to be his friend."

Edward sulked, his beanie low on his forehead, and he popped his sunglasses back on. "Fine. But if he puts the moves on you even though he knows you're taken, then I vote I get to kick his ass."

"Me first, my love." I said and he smiled, abashed. "Let's go! I wanna kick your butt at Super Mario World!"

"Pffft, yeah right. Dream on." He muttered and I narrowed my eyes.

"Challenge accepted." I said and he smirked as we made our way to his apartment. "Drive thru first. I'm hungry. I also need to hit the grocery store before you drop me home." He pouted and nodded. "I'm sure James and Vick won't mind you staying for supper. I'm making Granny Swan's Pot Pie again."

"Oooooooo, deal." He groaned and pat his stomach.

**EDWARD POV**

After supper, Bella and Vick wandered off while James and I got started on the dishes.

"Did Bells tell you what she was planning on after college?" James asked and I grinned, nodding. "And you think it's a good idea?"

"I think it's a _great_ idea. Charlie's all for it, too." I added, glancing at the intimidating blonde out of the corner of my eye, drying the next dish he handed me.

He sighed and rubbed at the bell tattooed on his right forearm. It was a beautiful, intricate looking bell tied around a swan's neck with a blue ribbon. It was apparently his first tattoo and he'd had it done on his eighteenth birthday in honor of his favorite little girl. Bella was and is flattered by that sweet reminder. "I think the main reason is because that means Bella will probably live much closer to him than to Renee."

"After what happened with the reporter and that awful phone call, I don't think Bella will want to see her mother anytime soon, let alone live near her. Renee still hasn't apologized." I said and James frowned again.

"I could kill her for that stunt." James muttered darkly.

"Get in line. It starts with Charlie and my mom." I said and James shuddered.

"I will _not_ get in Esme's way. She scares me!" he added in a whisper. He met my mother two weeks prior and she gave him a tongue lashing when he said some inappropriate things in front of Bella.

"She should!" I whispered back, trying not to laugh in his face.

"Well… I'll support Bella's decision but I really wish she'd make sure to have something more concrete to fall back on. If you two get married, she won't just stay at home. That little one will _not_ be a kept woman." He said and I nodded.

"I know. And that's fine by me. Hell, the only reason I'm taking the classes I am is to get my teaching degree and be a little more legit. I don't want to rely on my fame to get me clients. Besides, I'm still not sure if I want to be a private tutor or teach Music Theory." I dried my hands off and sat back at the kitchen table.

James grabbed a beer for himself and cracked open a glass coke for me. "Go with private tutoring. Get to choose your clients and you can tell someone to piss off if they're dicks or fame seekers." He clinked my bottle with his.

"Point taken. I concur. Cheers." I said.

"What are you two talking about?" Bella asked from the doorway.

"The pros and cons of private tutoring versus teaching at a school." I said and James belched rudely.

"Five." Bella rated it giving a half-way hand motion. "I think you'd enjoy being a private tutor more." She said after a moment of quiet contemplation. "But you should really talk to a person that has done both as well as other tutors and teachers to get a better idea."

"Good idea." James said as she walked over and sat next to me.

"What can I say? I'm a frakkin genius." She said and snagged my coke, drinking the rest of it. "What do you guys think about mine and Esme's idea?" She asked, looking nervous for once.

"I think it's a fantastic idea." I said immediately, grinning.

"I think it's a good idea, too." James said after a moment and Bella's head shot up in surprise. "A parent-child cooking school is a sweet idea and is a good way for kids to really get involved with what their parent or guardian does on a daily basis to take care of them. Plus, who doesn't like making cookies with their mom or grandpa or whoever it is that takes care of them?" Bella got up and walked around me to James. "What is it, Belly-button?" He asked softly.

She sat down in his lap and hugged him, sniffling. "Thank you." She whispered and I felt like I was intruding. "I know it's hard for you to remember all the good times you had with Granny when she cooked with you but that's why I had this idea and presented it to Mama C in the first place. Because I knew what a great idea it is."

James looked over at me, his eyes watering, and looked away, burying his face in Bella's hair. I excused myself quietly and gave them a moment.

"Hey Duracell, c'mere." Vick said and I groaned.

"You're not one to mock, Fireball." I snarked and he grinned, jumping at me and giving me a rough noogie. "Gaaaahhhhh! I give! I give!" I whined and he let go.

"Give what, pray tell, you dirty boy?" He asked, arms folded, brow raised.

"I give up." I muttered into my hands.

"I knew you would." He said and gestured for me to follow him. "Look what we bought!" he said and pointed through the rear sliding glass door.

"A hot tub?" I asked curiously.

"Isn't it awesome?!" He asked excitedly. "We got a pool table, too! Put it in the second spare room since Bellsy is in our first one."

"Cool! Can we shoot a game while those two cry it out?" I asked and jerked a thumb over my shoulder. He chuckled and nodded.

"Yeah. I figured they needed some time. Glad you noticed, too." He said at length and I smiled. "She was right. You _do_ have a crooked smile. I see why it makes her all "swoon-y" for you. Cute." He shrugged and led me to a room I thought was an office. It was larger than I thought it would be and had plenty of room for the pool table as well as a tall round table and a couple of bar stools.

"What the hell does "swoon-y" mean?" I asked as I chose a pool cue.

"I asked her the same thing. She said 'weak in the knees and a little frisky.'" He said and waggled his brows at me. I grinned.

"I think I can live with that." I said after a moment of puffing out my chest.

"Thought you'd like that. Rack the balls." He ordered me and we both winced, cupping ourselves protectively. "What a horrible phrase." I nodded and we both shuddered. "How about we just say: "Set the table," hm?" He asked and I nodded my agreement.

"Eight or Nine Ball?" I asked.

"Classic Eight first, then we'll do a game of Nine." He said. I shrugged and agreed and we played while we waited for our significant others to come looking for us. "You're good for us, too." Victor said in the middle of the first game.

"Beg pardon?" I asked curiously.

"You're not just good for Bella. You're good for James and I, too. Kind of already part of the family, y'know?" He asked and I smiled, cursing when he won.

"I do know, and thanks. It's kind of nice knowing what it would be like to have a couple of older brothers." Vick grinned toothily, running a hand through his hair in a habit he must have gotten from spending too much time with James. It was something I noticed Charlie do a lot, too. And Bella, for that matter.

"Alright. Nine Ball. Set the table, kiddo." He said.

"What? But we already _ate_." James said from the doorway. Vick and I dissolved into laughter after sharing a look.

**A/N:** A little bit of familial fluff'n'stuff. Hope you enjoyed. The next chapter is going to be a little more filler but hopefully even more amusing. Find out WHY Emmett has been Mr. Cockblock and also... do Special Brownies mean anything to you? *cackles*

Love you, dears! Toodle Pip!

_**Blood Everlasting**_


	7. Penis Factor and Pepperidge Farm

**A/N:** Holy shit! I was pitching a spaz SO HARD an hour ago. I could NOT get internet to work on the damn laptop! But yay! Here is what I have so far. It's a two-parter and the second part will be uploaded on Wednesday if I finish it by then. I'm sorry I leave it where I do here, but this is for fun and I didn't wanna make you wait longer than I absolutely had to so I hope you enjoy. It's giggly and weird and I'll have more soon! Love yas!

_**Chapter Seven: Penis Factor and Pepperidge Farm**_

**BELLA POV**

"Oh, my God. How is it your brother is the biggest cockblocker in the world?" I whined as Emmett FINALLY left Edward's room. "Did he even _notice_ that he broke the lock on your door by barging in here?"

Edward was just standing in nothing but a pair of pajama pants banging his head repeatedly against the wall next to the door. "I hate him. I hate him. I hate him. Can't kill him. Mom'll kill me. Hate him. Hate him. Hate him." Each phrase was punctuated with a head-wall thump.

"Okay, honey. Okay." I said, getting up and pulling him back to the bed gently. I was beginning to worry about possible brain damage. I pulled my shirt back on (yes, Emmett had been talking AT us while I was in my shorts and a bra). _Asshole_. "I'm gonna go have a talk with Rosie." I said as my poor horny boyfriend threw himself facedown on his bed.

I knocked on Emmett's door and heard a muffled groan and a quick: "Go away!"

My jaw dropped. _The absolute frugging NERVE!_ I internally raged and pounded on the door harder. Not five minutes after he ruins my fun sexy times with Edward, he has the gall to attack _his_ girlfriend and tell _me_ to go away? _Oh, HAIL SNOW!_

Rose opened the door a smidge and before she could say anything, I reached through, dragged her out, closed the door in Emmett's face, and pulled her into the living room. "Bells? What the hell? What's wrong?" She asked as I know my face probably looked… wrong.

"If Emmett barges into Edward's room when the door is _closed_ one more time, I'm going to break his manhood." I said, my eyes wide and slightly crazed.

Rose took a step back and looked shocked. "_What_?"

"He is the biggest cockblocker EVER!" I whisper-yelled. "Every time Edward and I start messing around, Emmett bothers us, interrupts us, and this time he broke Edward's door lock!" I made my bottom lip tremble and pretended to almost start crying. "I think he's doing it on purpose." I covered my face with my hands so she couldn't see that I wasn't actually crying.

"Oh, Bella-Boo." She cooed and held me. "I'm going to have a talk with him. In the meantime, go jump your man. I'll keep Em occupied… and very UNsatisfied. I'll text you when I find out what the hell's going on." She growled and I watched, pleased, as she stormed off and back into Emmett's room.

I sauntered back to Edward and straddled him, sitting on his ass while I started rubbing his back, getting rid of as much tension as I could. "So, Rose is taking one for the team and is going to withhold from your brother until she finds out what the hell is going on and why he is being such a frakking douche tickle." Edward chuckled, muffled cause his face was buried in his pillow. I just kept rubbing and massaging his back until he fell asleep.

I know Rose said to jump him, but Emmett is the biggest mood-killer ever and I couldn't bring myself to try and start something when there was a chance of Emmett or even Rose interrupting us again. My "little man in the boat" might capsize and I'd die. I'd just die.

An hour later, just before I fell asleep cuddled up to Edward's side, my phone vibrated. I slowly got up to check it and my jaw dropped. I expected Charlie or even James to have paid Emmett off to cockblock but not _Esme_! I hated to do it but I shook Edward's shoulder. "Babe! BABE! Wake up!" I shook him a little harder and shoved my phone in his face. As soon as he opened his eyes. So, there was a lot of squinting involved.

"Wha- wha's goin on?" He mumbled. When his eyes cleared and he read what I was forcing into his face he goggled. "Are you fucking _kidding_ me?!"

"Right?!" I whined. "What are we going to do?" I asked and bit my bottom lip thoughtfully.

"Hotel?" He asked hopefully.

My eyes widened. "Really? Just so we can have sex?" I asked, incredulous.

He struggled to sit up and pulled me close. "It's more than just sex between us, love. And I think it would be nice to get away between classes, just the two of us. What do you think?"

"I think I have a week break next week because two of my professors got caught screwing in one of the lecture halls yesterday and they're hiring new teachers." He blinked rapidly and started giggling. "You're tired." I accused in amusement.

He nodded and coughed to clear his throat. "Okay. I'll find and book us a nice little three day vacation somewhere not too far… but far enough away that I can lose myself in your company." He had a way of making me swoon sometimes. Like, really hard. Like now. "We'll pack a bag, stash it, and then just take off… wait. What if your dad tries to get a hold of yo-"

I held a hand up and grinned at him. "Don't you worry about him. You just keep your meddling mother out of it. Emmett and Rose have a couple of exams and projects coming up and they'll be buried in their books, not dealing with phone calls and shit much. I'll get Rose in on it and she'll keep Emmett distracted enough not to rat us out and then we shouldn't have to worry about our parents if we claim we have tests or projects or whatever and go incommunicado for a few days. It's genius!" I said and rubbed my hands together maniacally.

"What about James and Vick?" He asked and I deflated a little.

"…uh… OH! I know! I'll get Vick in on it and he'll keep James out of it!" I said cheerfully. "It's not fool-proof, but few things seldom are." I shrugged and kissed Edward gently. "If we don't get SOME time alone together, I'll kill someone." I rolled my eyes when he ducked his head, eyes wide. "Not_ you_, stupid."

He sighed in relief and I laid back down. We chatted a little more about our plans and came to a firm decision. We were going to fly to a very private, very exclusive beachside resort in Southern California. They would be discreet and we would be able to relax.

I had to force myself to bite my tongue. I really wanted to ask how much this was going to cost and whatnot and when I almost asked, Edward covered my mouth with his and just said: "If you mention money, I'm not going to let my mom bake for you for a while." My eyes shot wide and my mouth snapped shut. That was the end of _that_ line of enquiry. Over before it even began.

**EDWARD POV**

I was relieved when Bella didn't fight me on the monetary aspect of our getaway. Simply put: I could afford it. She couldn't, even partially. And as much as I said it was about more than just sex, it really was, but it was _mostly_ about sex. I wanted her more than I've ever wanted anything and that's seriously saying something.

I wondered if my dick could fall off from psych-outs? I would never forgive Emmett. Excuse me while I shudder and gag. I packed a box of condoms, just in case. I'd leave the decision up to her. I knew she was on birth control due to her unpleasant monthly cramps, and I knew we were both clean. As much as I hoped she wouldn't want them, I knew it was better safe than sorry and I trusted her opinion.

Our respective phone calls went as well as could be hoped for, which was pretty good, and we had about four hours before Rose distracted Emmett and we left for our flight. I was getting more and more excited and I couldn't figure out how Bella looked so cool and collected.

Then I saw her eating her fourth brownie and cocked my head to the side. "Emmett? Where did you get those brownies?" I called out and found, to my surprise, Emmett rolling around on the ground with a giggle and a blanket wrapping himself up like a burrito.

"Where's the salsa?!" He shouted and Rose and Bella fell over each other in hysterical giggles.

"Emmett!" I yelled and he looked up at me with red rimmed eyes. I slapped a palm to my face. "Oh, Jesus Christ, you bought the Special Brownies from those freshman dudes, didn't you?" I asked and tried to be annoyed.

Bella jumped up and shoved one in my mouth. "They taste weird, right? But they're soooooooo gooooooood!"

I was about to spit it out when she covered my mouth. Huffing, I chewed it as best I could and swallowed wondering if it would even affect me.

A half hour later found the four of us ordering half the menu from a nearby Chinese delivery place. Emmett paid and tipped the kid generously as we all fought over the chopsticks.

"We need some Pepperidge Farm cookies and cream cheese frosting." Bella decided suddenly when there was a buzz from the entry phone. Rose answered it, gasped, and helped Bella and I to stand before carefully making us put on our shoes, handing us our escape luggage and shoving us out the door. I leaned on the door and started scratching at it.

"Rooooosiiieeeee! I need my walletiiieeeeeee!" I whined. The door didn't open so I scratched at it some more and started meowing. Bella was giggling hysterically and clutching her stomach. All of the sudden, the door opened, I fell through onto my face, and felt something grab at my ass before being hoisted to my feet again. "Meow?" I blinked at Rose who was choking she was laughing so hard.

"Go, stupids! Your taxi is gonna leave without you! You have to get to the airport!" She whisper-laughed.

My eyes shot wide as I sort of sobered a little. Rose crammed my beanie onto my head and poked me in the eye with my sunglasses. "Meow! I mean, OW! Damn it, woman!" I put my sunglasses on myself and hauled my hysterically giggling girlfriend _and_ our luggage out to the taxi, patting my back pocket for the wallet which was there. Rose must've slid it in which is why I thought someone was copping a feel. The taxi took us to the airport quickly, the driver chuckling every time Bella snorted when she giggled.

"Lemme guess, planes make her nervous so you slipped her something." He said and I started laughing.

"She slipped her_self_ something. I'm just along for the hysterical ride." I said which made Bella snort again. I paid the man and carefully led her to our gate. We eventually boarded our plane with no trouble thanks to the fact that we spent the majority of our wait time reenacting our favorite parts from the Clerks movies which amused the employees at the almost deserted part of the airport. Once on the plane, we snuggled against one another and knocked out cold. Made for a short flight. Not that we were going that far to begin with.

We were at LAX waiting for our luggage when I noticed a couple of reporters taking pictures of me on the sly. _Fuck_._ I knew I should have picked John Wayne again. The drive would have been worth the privacy but noooooo, all I could think of was getting laid soon. Stupid, stupid, STUPID!_

"Bella? Remember how you said you loved me in spite of the possibility of being hounded by paparazzi?" I asked hesitantly.

"Pepperidge Farm remembers!" she joked and I chuckled, sliding my arm around her waist. "Yeah, no worries, Puppy." She murmured. "I saw them, too. I don't care. I do have a question, though." I raised a brow and made a questioning noise for her to continue. "How did they know you were gonna be here?"

I sighed and kissed her temple. "They didn't. Some reporters are such losers that they camp out LAX just in case any famous people pass through."

She looked up at me wide-eyed. "Seriously?" She asked quietly. I nodded, frowning right before she threw her head back and laughed. "That is one of the most pathetic things I've ever heard!" She snorted and I urged her forward once we had our luggage.

"Um, excuse me." A young man about my age walked up to Bella and I with a bright red face. He gestured to his camera and spoke again. "Is it alright if I take your picture, Mr. Masen?" At my surprised look he rushed to add, "I know the others just take pictures without asking but I didn't wanna be a total dick about it and-"

He paused when Bella held up a hand and leaned up and whispered in my ear. I slowly grinned and started chuckling. "You sure?" I asked her.

"It'll be fun." She said and I smiled and nodded.

Turning back to the young man, I offered my hand. "What's your name?"

"Oh, Alex Cantini. I'm a reporter with Spotlight magazine. I was actually here to talk to one of the pilots for Southwest but he never showed up." He rubbed the back of his neck uncomfortably.

"Well, Alex, how would you like an exclusive interview as my thanks for being the first person to actually ask permission to photograph me?" I said and Alex sputtered, his ice blue eyes huge.

"Really?!" He squeaked. Bella squeezed between us and linked her arms through each of ours, leading us off to the rent-a-car area. "She's a bit on the "take-charge" side of things, huh?" Alex asked and I started laughing.

"Definitely, but that's fine by me. She's more fun than anyone I've ever met." I said easily and smirked as he pulled out a recorder and waved it at me with a hopeful toothy grin. Laughing again, I nodded. "Ask Bella whatever you want while I get the car. We'll borrow the lounge at the hotel for an hour before sending you off, okay?"

Alex nodded, his spikey blonde hair jiggling as he bounced with excitement. As I was signing the required paperwork, I looked over my shoulder to see Bella and Alex engaged in a very serious looking Thumb War. Bella lost… gracefully, as usual. "Mother humping frog licker!"

Alex cackled and folded his arms while he waited for her to... answer, I think. She just nodded, blushing and I was suddenly curious as to what had just happened. I asked as much when I stepped back to them with the keys to our convertible Mustang. "I commented on what a great looking couple you two are and she didn't believe me. I said she was hot and I wanted to take her picture and she muttered something about a Thumb War challenge and I accepted. Now I get to take some cuddly pictures of you two and she's not allowed to complain." He said triumphantly. "I like her." He said to me grinning. "She reminds me of my sister." Bella growled and Alex's eyes widened. "Even moreso, now." He muttered causing her to huff and cross her arms.

This day was weird and getting more interesting by the minute.

**A/N:** So, their sobering time is realistic (trust me *snicker-snort*) and this is going to get even more ridiculous! I'm working on Chapter Eight as we speak so hopefully I'll just upload it when I'm done! So, you may have it sooner than Wednesday! Yay! See you SOON!

Toodle Pip!

_**Blood Everlasting**_


	8. Top Hats and Tonsil Hockey

**A/N:** INSIDE NOTE: Chapter seven is no longer an Author's Note. It is a chapter. Please go back and read it if you haven't yet.

Okay, so I have been uninspired and in lots of pain. Makes it difficult to think. And my daughter is officially in school and today was her first sick day. Poor baby was puking her guts out. Thankfully, her fever has broken and I was able to bust out the rest of chapter eight while she and her baby brother sleep.

WARNING. LEMON AHEAD. It's a little rushed, but if you remember the first story, it isn't ABOUT sex. It's comedy. It's about the characters not their bits. So, enjoy and I hope you laugh.

_**Chapter Eight: Top Hats and Tonsil Hockey**_

**BELLA POV**

Alex was fun. He was obviously new to the whole reporter thing cause he wasn't a douche and was really respectful. He also reminded me of why I was glad I was an only child. He was like the brother I never had… never wanted… and tried to kill twice. I said that to his face (waiting, of course, until he had taken a sip of the water our bitchen hotel had so graciously supplied).

"Damn it!" Cough. Hack. Choke. Throat clearing. I giggled hysterically, wondering when the brownies would completely wear off. He pulled out his phone and shot off a text really quick.

"What's that about?" I asked nosily.

"Texting Jane and telling her I found her _real_ twin." He wheezed, trying to get the rest of the water out of his lungs. I glowered at him but couldn't quite hide my amusement. He asked innocent questions and some not-so-innocent ones, but he never pushed it too far, engendering appreciation and probable future interviews from Edward. "So, your real name is Edward? That's kind of old timey."

Edward grinned, and shifted on the couch until I rested comfortably against him. He'd already taken off his beanie and sunglasses so Alex would have uncontestable pictures. "Yeah. It's a family name. Anthony and Masen are actually my two middle names and it seemed like a good idea at the time. Worked out pretty well."

"I know in the original farewell speech you gave, you were quitting because you got screwed over creatively speaking. Can I ask what plans you have now if you've made any?" Alex asked and I curled my legs up, getting my snuggle on.

"I'm not entirely sure, which is why I'm going to college. I'm considering going into teaching music. I'm not sure in which context I'll do that, though. I like the idea of being a private tutor, vocal coaching, teaching piano and guitar. You know, that kind of thing." Edward said and I almost fell asleep, listening to the beautiful cadence of his voice.

"That's cool. Like kid students or do you mean anyone who wants to learn?"

"Oh, anyone who wants to learn. I'm classically trained as well as self-taught. I would have gone to Julliard if my acceptance letter had arrived before I was offered a record deal." He said and that perked my interest. I made sure not to react physically but I made a mental note to talk to him about that later.

"May I ask about you and this lovely young woman?" Alex asked and winked at me. I rolled my eyes and stuck my tongue out at him.

"Bella and I met through my mother and brother. She was working for my mom and best friends with my brother and his longtime girlfriend. She actually didn't know I was "Anthony" when we first started talking." He said and made finger quotations in the air. "After a while, though, she figured it out and reamed me for lying to her… then I pretty much begged her forgiveness because she's the most amazing person I've ever met and I was in love with her before I even saw her. And when I first saw her?" He let out a whistle. "Pretty much had the wind knocked right out of me. Here was this gorgeous, sexy, witty, intelligent, funny, snarky, mouthy brunette and she was ripping me a new one for lying to her and all I could think of was: "Is it too soon to propose?" I mean, when she forgave me and I held her for the first time, it was like an electric current humming through and between us." He looked down at me and I reached up to cup his cheek as he touched his forehead to mine. We ignored the clicking of Alex's camera and just smiled at one another.

I looked over to Alex and made a funny face… which he took a picture of. "I'm still wondering if it's too soon." Edward murmured and I raised a brow in confusion. "Love you." he said and I grinned.

"Love you, too, Puppy." I said and shook my head in the negative when Alex asked if I'd explain the nickname.

A half an hour later and we were done with the interview and pictures, Alex thanking us and asking if we'd like to hang out with him and his sister at some point. We said maybe. We were here, after all, to relax and spend some alone time together. When we told him that, he merely slipped us his card with his personal number and email and promised to let us know when the interview was coming out. I put the card in my wallet while Edward shook Alex's hand and bade him a fond farewell.

It was time to check-in completely and relax.

~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~O~

Edward woke me up at seven in the morning (that inhuman monster) with his incessant sleep humping. But since we had crashed out fully clothed at about seven pm the night before, I wasn't sleep deprived or all that upset. I did, however, flick his ear.

Snort. "Whu- huh? What happened?" Edward asked and blinked blearily.

I laughed a little. "It's seven in the A.M., Puppy. Quit humping my ass in your sleep." I deadpanned.

He grinned, a blush stealing into his cheeks, as he dropped his head back down to his pillow before pulling me firmly against him. "But it's such a _nice_ ass." He said and I giggled, wiggling said 'nice ass' against him. He groaned. "Now who's the frisky puppy?" He murmured and nibbled on my shoulder.

I gasped softly when he nipped at my throat sharply before undoing my jeans and sliding them off me. His shirt flew over my head as he knelt next to me and pushed me onto my back. I happily ogled his defined chest and stomach as he straddled my waist and began lifting my shirt. "You're still the frisky puppy, Sleep Humper." I accused playfully and he slowly dragged his nose from the tops of my breasts to my ear, inhaling deeply.

"Well, I'm not sleeping anymore. What say you to that?" He asked huskily as gooseflesh marched excitedly all over my body.

"_Fuuuuck_." I moaned, wrapping my arms around him. He groaned then growled as he pulled back just enough to kiss me senseless.

"I love that I seem to be the only one who can get you to say that word." He said between kisses and then drove his tongue into my mouth, fighting mine for dominance. I relinquished control gladly, moaning into his mouth while I fought his belt and jeans. A few moments and a pile of clothing later, we were blissfully bare and touching every piece of smooth skin we could find… and there was plenty.

Weeks of being interrupted didn't leave much for forethought. Nor was foreplay a necessity. I was _ready_. When he climbed atop me and shot me a questioning, desperate look, I merely smiled and nodded. My breath whooshed out of me in shock and delight as he slipped in. He cried out as our hips met. "Oh, _God_!" I moaned and pulled him down, kissing him voraciously.

He whimpered and tried to pull back.

"Jesus Christ, Edward, don't stop! It doesn't hurt! I swear." My desperate face softened as I noticed his wary look. "Please, don't stop." I whispered and smiled, wiggling my hips.

"Fuck, Bella!" He hissed and began moving, slowly at first, then in earnest. It actually didn't take me long to get close, but for some evil reason, I couldn't come. Getting frustrated, I slipped my hand down and… well… gave myself a "helping hand." Edward's eyes sprung wide before rolling back into his head as his whole body shuddered.

His orgasm (and my hand) had me cresting and falling damn near immediately and I cried out, my entire body pulsing with wave upon wave of pleasure as he collapsed on me. I wrapped my arms around him as we gasped for breath, mewling when he pulled out, shivering with aftershocks.

A few moments later, Edward got up and his face blanched a little. "Uh, are you sure you're okay?"

I stretched, taking inventory. Smiling I nodded. "I feel excellent." I murmured and my eyes shot wide as I felt a trickle. "Uh, could you get a wash cloth?" He chuckled and nodded.

"Don't freak out when it comes away tinged pink." He said softly, handing me the damp washcloth.

"Well, apparently there was still something there despite my kutziness." I joked and it took Edward a minute to get it, causing me to snort. "Adorable puppy." I mumbled as I hobbled to the bathroom awkwardly. Thankfully, Edward was too busy rifling through our luggage to watch me duck-walk to the toilet. I closed the bathroom door, finished cleaning up, and proceeded to dance around naked in my own little victory dance. I grabbed my cell phone, which I had palmed, and fired off a text to Rose.

_*V-Card cashed in. JACKPOT. I AM ALL THAT IS WOMAN.~SuccuBella*_ Snickering, I set my phone to silent and left it on the counter while I started the shower. As the steam began wafting around the room, I adjusted the temperature and poked my head out the door.

"Hey, Puppy. Wanna wash my back?" I asked and waggled my brows.

I jumped into the shower to try and stifle my laughter. Edward's head had shot up as his eyes went huge. Then he tripped over his own feet as he tried to run. _I love that idiot._

**EDWARD POV**

Okay, whoever said sex was no big deal has SERIOUSLY been doing it wrong. And they have my pity. I was worried when I saw the aftereffects on her thighs but relieved when she was obviously fine. My feet sabotaged me as I tried to race into the bathroom with her when she invited me to join in her shower.

_Hot, naked, wet, sexy Bella? Edward want._ Shaking my head to clear it, I got up off the floor and we proceeded to christen the bathroom… twice. Thank God for teen recovery time. Hell, I was just grateful I wasn't a two-pump chump.

At about eleven we were voraciously hungry. I think we ordered the entire breakfast menu from room service. As I went to answer the door, I could have sworn Bella was singing a Weird Al song. I tipped the guy and brought the cart of food in myself and dropped my chin to my chest as I gave a rueful chuckle.

"Baby, you really know how to hurt a guy's ego." I joked as she belted out her own rendition of Weasel Stomping Day. "Not exactly the song I would have picked for after sex."

"Are you kidding?! It just proves how good of a mood I'm in. I think it's a GREAT song to sing. Now smile and food me." She ordered.

I raised a brow. "How exactly does one "food" someone?"

"Gimme a plate and I'll show you." she said saucily. That immediately had my attention as I handed her a loaded plate. Not two seconds later I was gaping at her as she fell over cackling.

"You- You just- Did you seriously just throw a sausage link at my FACE?" She laughed harder, snorting, as she tried to sit back up. I heaved a huge sighed and dropped my head again in defeat. "Gaddammit." I whispered, trying not to laugh. I didn't want to _encourage_ her.

"Chillax, Puppy. I'm just messing with you. I love you." she said and dropped her robe. "See how much I love you? Naked Breakfast. This can be our thing now." Bella offered with a grin.

After just staring for a solid minute or two, I shook my head and smiled brightly. "Naked Breakfast is _definitely_ our thing now." I agreed cheerfully.

We spent that whole first day gorging on room service and… ahem, well, feeding _other_ appetites, as it were. We slept VERY well that night. The next day, I woke up at around ten and frowned when I reached for Bella, not finding her.

"Bella? Babe?" I called out. Nothing. Panic started to set in until I noticed the note on the nightstand.

_Running a quick errand. Be back by noon-ish. I'll bring lunch. Love you._

_Hump ya later,_

_Bella_

"What the hell? What errand could she possibly run in Southern California? She's never _been_ here before." I murmured and sulked. I was hoping for some Morning Glory and now I'd have to wait. "Lose your virginity, become addicted to sex. Damn it!" I threw myself back into the covers and pillows and tried to go back to sleep.

Heaving a long suffering sigh, I threw off the covers and showered, trying to kill as much time as possible. At eleven, I kicked back on the sofa and ordered a movie. She got in right before I started another movie at half past noon. I took the steaming bags of food from her, my mouth watering at the exotic scents.

"Sorry I took so long! I wasn't expecting such a long line at that Thai place." She huffed and winced when she bent over.

"Are you okay?" I asked curiously, DYING to know what she had been up to.

She giggled and nodded. "Yeah. Wanna see what I did on my errand?"

I nodded eagerly, raising a brow as she began lifting her skirt… wait… _since when does she wear skirts?_ I though, frowning. And then she showed me a bandage at the top of her left butt cheek. "What happened?!" I exclaimed and then gasped as she pulled the bandage down before I, literally, fell over laughing.

"I told Emmett I'd do it. Now he'll have to shut up about it. I'm mooning him as soon as we get home." She announced. I could barely hear her over my guffaws.

She had the most adorable little black, red, and pink top hat tattooed on her ass. I was really impressed with the detail… at least, I was later that night when I got a better look at it without mirthful tears blocking my vision as I laughed my ass off.

**A/N:** Hopefully I won't miss another update day but I can't be sure. But, rest assured, I AM INDEED wrapping this up. Three or four more chapters of hilarity, maybe another epi. Dunno. We'll see what the heathens make me write. Lol. Love you guys. Thank you for being so supportive and kind with my issues. You guys and gals and in-betweens are the BEST!

Ideas and suggestions are appreciated. Maybe I can bust the next few chapters with your help? Love yas!

Toodle Pip!

_**Blood Everlasting**_


	9. Fretting and Freak Outs

**A/N:** I have been sick as a dog for the last two weeks and I'm delirious on medication at the moment so I apologize for whatever the fuck I just typed up this last hour. That's right. I had NOTHING about an hour ago and just let my doped up mind wander. I don't even remember wtf I just typed so I hope you enjoy and that there aren't too many typos and grammatical abominations. I love you all for the sweet, sweet follows and favorites. You rock. Hope this is at least a little funny. I'm so out of it... O.O Welp, there's the Nyquil. Okay. I'm officially punch drunk and about to pass out. ENJOY!

_**Chapter Nine: Fretting and Freak Outs**_

**EDWARD POV**

It was our final day in California and we were going to live it up. We'd spent most of our time in bed, much to my delight, and I felt it was high time I showed Bella some of the finer things in life.

"But this bed IS one of the finer things in life." She whined, holding tightly to the bedpost while I tried to pry her fingers open from the death grip she had to no avail. "The sheets alone are, like, a bazillion thread count!"

"Dammit! Bella! I- just- wanna- take- you- out- and- spoil- you- a little! HAH!" I finally managed to detach her from the bedpost. She immediately grabbed onto the sheets as I carried her towards the door.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" She wailed dramatically.

Hating to do it, I set her down gently and went and sat in one of the plush arm chairs in the sitting area with a large sigh. _Don't fuck it up, Cullen._ I thought to myself as I made sure I wouldn't laugh. "Fine. Lay there until we have to check out and go home. It's not like I wanted to spend time with you doing fun things and show off my beautiful girlfriend a little." I said softly, my voice a little hoarse with the effort it took not to giggle. But she didn't know that.

I watched her from my periphery as she looked between me and the bed several times before drooping her head and dropping the sheets. "Oh, Puppy, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings." She said and started to move toward me when the room phone began to ring.

_Son of a bitch!_ I got up to answer it when Bella turned and tripped over her own feet. I helped her up before picking up the phone. "Hello?" I asked curiously. We still had a few hours before we had to check out and we hadn't requested any wake-up calls or anything.

"I can't believe my own son would do this to meeeeeee!" My mother wailed on the phone and my jaw cracked, it dropped so hard and fast.

"_MOM?!_" I exclaimed in horror. "What are you on about? And how the hell did you find me?"

Bella stared at me wide-eyed.

"I can't believe my baby boy and surrogate daughter would run off and get married without telling meee-heee-heeeeeeehhhh!" she wailed more and I blinked, holding the phone away from me to stare at it before bringing it back to my head.

"What?" I choked out after a few embarrassing squeaks. Before she could blubber on, I said with more force. "Mother! I would _never_ do that to you. I don't know where you heard that but it's not true. We are not married. We're not even engaged. We just wanted a little holiday together. That's it. I. Swear." I said firmly.

Bella raised her brow and folded her arms mouthing: "What the hell?" I shrugged and gestured wildly, knowing I looked exasperated.

"You… you didn't run off to elope?" Mom asked quietly, her voice only squeaking a little.

I chuckled. "Mom, Bella and I would never do that to our family." I assured softly. Then I frowned, starting to get angry. "Who said we were eloping, anyway?"

"Uh…" she paused and I sighed running a hand over my face in annoyance.

"Seriously, Mom? You believed one of those trashy magazines? _Really_?" I asked, getting mad at her.

"Well, what was I _supposed_ to think! Neither of you have turned your cell phones on in the last three days! I couldn't get ahold of you to confirm anything!" She complained.

I groaned. "That was kind of the whole point! We were tired of Emmett breaking my door down and wanted some privacy!" I blurted and froze, Bella and I gaping at one another.

"Oh, SURE!" She hissed in a whisper. "Just tell your _MOTHER_ we were boning constantly the last couple of days!" Bella glared at me and I started to laugh while my mom whined and complained.

"I'll see you soon, Mom. Goodbye." I said firmly.

"But Edward, sweetie-" Click.

"Well, that was satisfying." I said and laughed again while Bella's eyes shot daggers at me. "Oh, come _on_. Like you don't think making my mother cringe is kinda funny. After all of the times I've heard her and Dad go at it, a little payback is pretty funny. Wouldn't you ever wanna get back at Renee for all the trauma her and Phil put you through?" I asked and she snorted before covering her reaction with another glare.

Then she broke down in giggles. "Yeah, it's pretty funny. Come on. Let's show off my hotness and then get home." She rolled her eyes, showing me how much she "believed" in her said hotness. If only she knew.

We checked out early and had our luggage placed in the rental. We ignored the paps, who were definitely on our trail, and just enjoyed each other's company as I showed her some of my celebrity stomping grounds.

At my favorite restaurant, Bella nearly shit a brick. "Holy thrusting hormones, Batman! It's Lori Petty!" She breathed this in the highest of awe and trembled.

"Uh, yeah. I'm guessing you like her?" I asked in amusement.

"She's fegging TANK GIRL you twit! Of COURSE I like her. I like her to the Nth degree!" She snapped and I chuckled, holding up placating hands.

"Okay! Okay. Don't kill me." I joked.

"I want to ask her for a picture and her autograph but I don't want to bother her." She whimpered pitifully.

I threw my cloth napkin at her and she yelped before throwing a mozzarella stick at me, making us both laugh. "Looks like you don't need to bother her. She's heading this way with her niece." I said quietly and she froze before literally vibrating in her seat.

"Excuse me, Anthony?" Lori Petty asked, placing her hands protectively on her young niece's shoulders.

"Ms. Petty, a pleasure to meet you." I said smoothly, standing and offering my hand for her to shake. She did so and we both looked over at Bella who was sitting on her knees, peeking over the booth at us, and giggling. "Uh, this is my girlfriend, Bella. She's a huge fan of yours, if her geeking out right now is any indication."

Lori chuckled and Bella stood up sheepishly, offering a small wave. "Sorry." Bella murmured and jerked her thumb at me. "This idiot's the only celebrity I've ever met and I wasn't exactly star struck with him cause I knew his family for a while first but I didn't know he was Anthony cause his mom only ever talked about her Edward and why aren't you shutting me up. I seriously can't shut up!" She squeaked and covered her mouth with her hands, her face blazing.

"Good God, she's adorable." Lori said and Bella's face darkened further, causing me to fear for her consciousness. Lori shook her head grinning. "So, Edward, then?" She asked and I nodded. "My niece was wondering if she could have your autograph and a picture."

"Absolutely. Would it be too much to ask for the same thing for Bella from you?" I asked politely.

"Sure thing." She pushed her niece forward and I accepted the cd she held out, grinning when I saw it was my one good one.

"Good taste." I commended and grinned when she giggled nervously. She couldn't have been more than fourteen years old. I signed it and then when Lori held the camera up for a picture, I scooped the girl up in my arms and kissed her cheek as she squealed in excitement.

We took a bunch of pictures and when it was Bella's turn, I couldn't help but laugh.

"Rose is gonna shit kittens!" She laughed. Looking up in great amusement, she bounced a little before explaining. "Sorry, my best friend Rose and I have always loved your movies. Specifically Tank Girl. You were spot on and I'm pretty sure your portrayal of her is how I gleaned part of my personality."

Lori threw her head back and laughed. "That is probably one of the biggest compliments I've ever received." She said and put her arm around Bella. They did a handful of silly poses, rock horns and tongues out, huge grins, mock fighting, and cross-eyed goofy faces to name a few. Before we parted ways, Lori pointed at me and smirked. "You make sure you get a better lawyer if you decide to sign with another record label." She said and I grinned.

"I will. But I think I'm gonna teach piano and guitar for a living instead of chance that kind of manipulation again. But thank you." I said sincerely. She dug through her purse and handed me a card.

"This is my lawyer and she is kick ass. If you _do_ change your mind, I highly recommend her." She said, and with that we parted ways.

"Oh. My. Jeebus!" Bella squealed as we watched Lori and her niece exit the building. "She signed my shirt! And it's SO perfect!" she dove at me and rained kisses over my face. I laughed, happy for her, and hugged her tightly.

"Why is it so perfect?" I asked curiously.

She gestured to her shirt with a "Duh!" expression. "This is one of the shirts she wore in the movie." She was wearing a simple white T-shirt with a red and blue Bullseye looking thing on the chest.

"Oh." I said dumbly.

She stared at me, eyes narrowed, before they popped wide and she gaped at me in horror. "You… you've never seen Tank Girl!" She accused before hugging me gently and patting my head softly. "You poor, poor deprived Puppy." She murmured and I snorted. "We'll fix that when we go home, my love." She announced as we signaled the wait staff so we could pay and leave.

We gave Alex a call and actually got to hang out with him and his scary sister Jane, who unsurprisingly, got on famously with Bella. With promises to call and see each other again, Bella and I made our way back to the airport to make our evening flight. I didn't even bother to hide my identity this time around.

"That's our flight, sorry!" I called to the disappointed crowd that I was signing autographs for.

"_Our_?" I heard a few murmurs and ignored the surprised and horrified gasps as I put my arm around an amused Bella and walked off. "Oh no! The rumors are true!" I heard from somewhere and tried not to laugh along with Bella who was openly chuckling.

"How's your signing hand?" she asked jokingly.

"Carpal Tunnel-ly." I complained and she laughed more.

"Well, you could have come incognito, babe." She said and I shrugged.

"I don't mind the signing on occasion or even the picture taking. As long as it's not all the time, it's fine. Besides, if it weren't for the fans, I wouldn't have any money." I said sagely.

Bella snorted and flicked my ear. "I'd love you no matter what, Puppy." She said softly and my heart skipped.

"I know." I said as we were seated. "And thank you." She shook her head, smiling and sighing.

"Don't thank me. Just love me, too." She said. I kissed her quick and hard.

"Oh, I do, Bella. I love every crazy bit of you." I said dramatically with a hand over my chest, batting my lashes at her. She barked out a laugh and shook her head.

"I'll remember you said that when I'm plotting my revenge for you essentially telling your mother we shagged like bunnies." She snarked and I choked on my saliva before I laughed.

"I said no such thing. She can take whatever she wanted from my complaint of no privacy." I cupped her face in my hands and rubbed the tips of our noses together before murmuring quietly. "But you know as well as I do that we made love, so don't belittle the experience by mocking it." I kissed her again and grinned. "Besides, I doubt bunnies could keep up with us." I joked and she snorted loudly causing us both to laugh.

**A/N: **Yay THINGS! Passing out now... Holy shitballs... GOOD NIGHT MY LOVERLIES!


	10. Broken Minds and Busy Moms

**A/N: **I've been DYING from the fucking plague that seems to enjoy mucking about in my small home. You know what? FUCK YOU, PLAGUE! I'm really sorry. Along with my recurring and annoying illness I've been molested mercilessly with plot bunnies for every story I have EXCEPT this one. Fucking. Pissing. Me. Off. I'm just writing cause I feel SO BAD for letting it go this long. There is only going to be three more chapters tops. Maybe less if I can wrap this the hell up. I'm really REALLY _**REALLY SORRY**_, folks. My bad.

_**Chapter Ten: Broken Minds and Busy Moms**_

**BELLA POV**

"Oh, damn. Ew." Vick said and that really should have been my cue to leave.

"Oh God, my eyes! My poor useless eyes!" I screeched after we walked into Edward's apartment to see Emmett's bare ass in the air as he bent over to pick something up. I squeezed my eyes shut and started head-butting the wall yelling: "ETCH-A-SKEEEEETCH!" trying to erase the horrible view from my mind.

"Oh, Jesus cookie-baking Christ! Emmett, put on your fucking clothes!" Edward yelled before trying to soothe my hysterics. He was holding me to his chest so I couldn't hurt myself anymore, and that was nice of him since I was starting to get a headache to add to my nausea via Emmett.

"I don't wanna live on this planet anymo-hor-hor-hooorrrrrre!" I whined. I cringed and shuddered. "How can it be so _hairy_?" I made a gagging sound. "I think I'm going to pay Rose to wax him." And immediately, my hysterics were over. _Everything is better when you have a plan!_ I thought cheerfully (if a tad evilly) and skipped off to put my things away. Edward and Vick shared a look but I ignored them.

The flight we had was short but surprisingly enjoyable… at least until the slutty flight attendant snapped at us for cuddling and kissing claiming something about inappropriate PDA. I have to admit that it was super satisfying that the random air marshal that was catching a ride told her to get over herself and leave the happy couple alone. Edward then proceeded to kiss me senseless. After our newfound intimacy, it was exceptionally difficult not to mount him and ride him like Secretariat, but I managed. Barely. The chick trounced off in a huff when Edward pulled back from a very dazed, and thoroughly kissed, me before murmuring he loved me.

Apparently little miss bitchy fangirl was NOT happy. So, it came as no surprise when we landed and were accosted by random paparazzi. But, and this tickles me something fierce, I got to see her smug look turn to one of rage when we stopped and happily spoke to the paparazzi, answering the non-rude and overly-invasive questions and posing cheerfully for pictures. Alex still had one up on these guys so we didn't feel like we were ruining the exclusive we had given him. Edward texted Vick on the sly making sure we had a way out of there. Bless my perky uncle, he came right away and off we drove.

Unfortunately, it took us nearly an hour just to lose the remaining paparazzi, but Vick enjoyed that. My stomach did not, crazy frakking ginger. I loved the bastard, but jeez, his driving leaves something to be desired. Namely, the ability to not want to hurl.

Vick left with a hug and a promise to visit soon and I started laundry before collapsing into bed for a well-deserved sleep.

**EDWARD POV**

I climbed into bed with Bella, after telling Rose what my idiot brother did, and passed out as soon as she snuggled up to me.

Morning brought the smell of something familiar and I groaned. I should have known Mom wouldn't give us time to regroup. She was probably still pissed off at me for hanging up on her… and taking a vacation with Bella so we could screw each other's brains out. _Heh heh heh, which we did. Often._ I smiled hugely at the thought before groaning when Bella's gorgeous rear wriggled against my morning wood.

"It's time to get up…" I said in a sing-song voice. She grumbled and shook her head.

"Nu-uh. No. You don't understand," she mumbled with her eyes still closed, "I can't get out of bed now. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own. If I leave now, I might lose their trust." She yelped and shot off the bed when I laughed and smacked her ass playfully. "Why would you _do_ that?" She whimpered, her eyes watering as she clutched her butt.

I frowned, not understanding. "I barely smacked you." I said incredulously.

She face palmed, frowned, then got up and hit me in the forehead. "Ass hat!"

I sulked. "Well, that's not very- OH!" I pulled her down and held her, trying not to chuckle. I felt like such a dick! "I forgot all about your tattoo, baby! I'm so sorry!"

Bella frowned again, pulled back, and sniffed the air. Then her eyes went wide. "Wait… why is Mama C here…? Oh no. She's gonna kill me for defiling her baby boy. Oh God." She covered her face with her hands. It didn't take long before we both burst out laughing. "Or she wants to yell at you for hanging up on her yesterday." She said and I sighed, both of us knowing that was the most likely reason.

"We better get out there before she barges in here. I still need to fix the door since dipshit broke it." I complained. We got up, dressed, and made our way out to face the wrath of Esme Cullen. _God, help me._

"Well, I'm glad you two are up. I was about to go and rouse you." Mom said and I noticed there was a pitcher of ice cold water next to where she stood.

Bella looked at me with wide eyes. "I'd get you for that. You know I would." Bella said, eyes narrowed.

Mom frowned with an incredulous look on her face until she realized what we were staring at. She looked at us, rolled her eyes, and opened the package of Kool-Aid and poured in the sugar. "You two need a reality check." She muttered, shaking her head. We shared sheepish looks before apologizing. "Don't even worry about it. I would have thought the same thing in your position."

As she set the table, I did apologize for hanging up on her. "But you know I don't deal well with hysterics." I finished. She huffed a sigh and sat to eat with us.

"I know. I'm sorry for freaking out. It's just that Rose called me yesterday at midnight freaking out about… well… let's just say, you two went to bed before she could tell you."

"Tell us what?" Bella asked curiously before taking a sip of orange juice.

"That I'm pregnant." Rose said from behind Bella, who proceeded to choke, snort, hack, and breathe OJ.

"IT BUUUUURRRRNNNNSSS!" She screamed and ran to the bathroom. I face palmed and followed after my long-suffering girlfriend, unable to believe Rose managed to make her snort her orange juice _again_. Mom and Rose were dying laughing and I was trying to console Bella through the door. Again.

"Baby, are you okay?"

"Holy shit, she's knocked up!" She yelled through the door… though her nose was still clogged so it sounded like she said Rose was "docked" up.

"Uh, yeah. I believe we've established that." I said not bothering to hide my smile since she couldn't see me.

"Quit smirking, jerk off!" I had to laugh. _How the hell does she always know?_ I heard her blow her nose and she came out grinning. "You're gonna be an uncle, dude!" She said and high-fived me.

I blinked in surprise. I hadn't thought about it like that yet. "Well, let's go congratulate those two idiots and finish eating." I said, shaking my head in bewilderment. I may have heard it. I may have understood it. But I could hardly believe. My idiot brother was gonna be a dad and he had just barely turned eighteen.

Bella and I shared a look before we left my room. "Shit just got real, huh?" she murmured and I swallowed thickly, nodding. We tried to pick back up the happy-go-lucky mood we had before but now my mother's freak out made A LOT more sense.

"Get your asses out here! We have a baby to plan for!" My ever meddlesome mother yelled.

**A/N:** So, this is it for now. I promise I am working on it and I'm getting ideas from my hubby, so hopefully this will be done soon. I will post chapters as I finish them. I'm really sorry I don't have a beta. All mistakes are my own. Hell, if any of you have any ideas or hopes for this LET ME KNOW! Anything helps. Honest. I love you guys. For the follows, the favorites, and the reviews. Thank you. *loves*

_Toodle Pip,_

**_Blood Everlasting_**


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